Unaverage Musings

Learning to play the hand dealt...

2009-07-17T15:50:00.002-04:00

It has been a year of new information, new routines and lots of new information. About a year ago, June, we got confirmation that our daughter Millie was not developing typically. She was showing more than a two year delay in expressive speech, and shocking delays in all other areas as well. I knew she was developing slower than her peers, but until I got the evaluation from Early Intervention, I had no idea how bad it was. The word 'autism' got batted around all year, me trying to avoid it landing on Millie and her therapists trying to get me to accept its application to her. On June 24, 2009 Millie was officially diagnosed with moderate autism (closer to the severe end of the spectrum than the milder end). The monster I had been trying to avoid all year had finally and ominously landed on my precious little girl. It felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, like I had been beaten up and left for dead. Well, almost.
Over the last 3 and half weeks I have been trying to figure out how to play this hand I have been dealt. I have realized that Millie is still my precious little girl, she is not her diagnosis. However, there is a monster on her back. I intend to fight that monster, weaken it, and hopefully remove it from her never to return. I'm reading as much as I can about autism, how it is treated and what others have done. I know that I want to get Millie started in ABA therapy, with discreet trials. The problem is getting the money to pay for it. Medicaid will not pay for it, nor will most insurance companies. It is the best therapy for autism out there, will great success stats. So, I have begun the process of applying for disability Social Security supplimentary income. I also intend to go after private funding. Millie will get OT, PT and ST paid through Medicaid. We hope we can try KinderMusic, cranial sacral therapy and horse therapy. All of this depends on finding money. My getting a payroll job is not a viable solution (we'd get more help without it and I don't have time). ABA therapy is usually managed by one or both parents, and it is a full time job in itself. I'm also looking into how we may want to do the school thing, from public school to home school using the Charlotte Mason approach. So much to learn, so little time to do it.
We have also been told that our chances of having another child with autism, because we have one and because she's a girl, are 1 in 6 (25 times greater than the average population). This throws a wrench into our plans for more children. My having had two miscarriages makes that scary enough, but the risk of another autistic child makes it much harder. We both still want more children. We think we are willing to take the risk of having another autistic child. We are praying about it. We are also getting information about adoption. So much to process, no fast decisions are going to be made!

On Making Much of Time

2008-11-05T19:38:00.002-05:00

In thinking and dealing with the home-going of my niece Elli and my children Bridget and Kasey, I have been reminded to make the most of the time I have. Just yesterday I read a very timely devotional reading in Streams in the Dessert by L.B. Cowman, it reads:

" 'I was among the exiles by the Kebar River, the heavens were opened and I saw visions of God ... There the hand of the Lord was upon [me].' (Ezekiel 1:1, 3)

there is nothing that makes the Scriptures more precious to us than a time of 'captivity.' The old psalms of God's Word have sung for us with compassion by our stream at Babel and have resounded with new joy as we have seen the Lord deliver us from captivity and 'restore our fortunes, ... like streams in the Negev' (Ps. 126:4).
A person who has experienced great difficulties will not be easily parted from his Bible. Another book may appear to others to be identical, but to him it is not the same. Over the old and tear-stained pages of his Bible, he has written a journal of his experiences in words that are only visible to his eyes. Through those pages, he has time and again come to the pillars of the house of God and 'to Elim, where there were ... palm trees' (Ex. 15:27). And each of those pillars and trees have become a remembrance for him of some critical time in his life.
In order to receive any benefit from our captivity, we must accept the situation and be determined to make the best of it. [emphasis mine] Worrying over what we have lost or what has been taken from us will not make things better but will only prevent us from improving what remains. We will only serve to make the rope around us tighter if we rebel against it.
In the same way, an excitable horse that will not calmly submit to its bridle only strangles itself. And a high-spirited animal that is restless in its yoke only bruises its own shoulders. Everyone will understand the analogy that Laurence Stern, a minister and author of the eighteenth century, penned regarding a starling and a canary. He told of the difference between a restless starling that broke its week struggling against the bars of its cage and continually cried, 'I can't get out! I can't get out!' and a submissive canary that sat on its perch and sang songs that surpassed even the beauty of those of lark that soared freely to the gates of heaven.
No calamity will ever bring only evil to us, if we will immediately take it in fervent prayer to God. Even as we are taking shelter beneath a tree during a downpour of rain, we may unexpectedly find fruit on its branches. And when we flee to God, taking refuge beneath the shadow of his wing, we will always find more in Him than we have ever before seen or known.
Consequently, it is through our trials and afflictions that God gives us fresh revelations of Himself. Like Jacob, we must cross the 'ford of the Jabbok' (Gen. 32:22) if we are ever to arrive at Peniel, where he wrestled with the Lord, was blessed by Him, and could say 'I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared' (Gen. 32:30).
Make this story your own, dear captive, and God will give you 'songs in the night' (Job 35:10) and will turn your 'blackness into dawn' (Amos 5:8). Nathaniel William Taylor

Submission to God's divine will is the softest pillow on which to rest.
It filled the room, and it filled my life,
With a glory of source unseen;
It made me calm in the midst of strife,
And in winter my heart was green.
And the birds of promise sang on the tree
When the storm was breaking on land and sea."

Today as I was enjoying the fall weather with Millie and delighting in making her laugh in the bath, I thought of the poem "To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time" by Robert Herrick

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today
Tomorrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then, be not coy, but use your time,
And, while ye may, go marry;
For, having lost but once your prime,
You may forever tarry.

Millie's Smile

2008-09-04T15:26:00.004-04:00

Toward the end of June a family friend of ours approached Royce with some concerns about Millie. He was seeing some signs of autism in her behavior, language delays and trouble with social interaction. We called First Steps (Kentucky's Early Intervention program) and had her evaluated. She showed major developmental delays in language and motor skills. They determined she would highly benefit from Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy and work with a Developmental Interventionist. The OT zeroed in on her need for help with her sensory system. Both the OT (Emily), the DI (Jennifer) and I believe that Millie has what is called Sensory Integration Dysfunction. Her sensory system has trouble processing sensory input and regulating input. We have been working with First Steps for about 6 weeks now. Eye contact along with meaningful back and forth interaction have been major goals. Today at breakfast I feel like we had a major breakthrough. It was a big moment for me as a mother anyway! I was getting Millie's breakfast ready for her and told her (while she was looking at my face) that I was going to put Strawberry jam on her toast. Her whole face lit up with the most brilliant sunny smile! She seemed to glow with genuine pleasure and to have that sort of response from her is huge! Over the past week she has been looking at my face at meals and responding to the silly games I have been playing. She smiles and laughs with me and just today started to do things to make me laugh (and getting such a kick out of it too!) The bubbly laughter and fun we had was priceless. I started to think about her smile, and thought of an old Bad English song called "When I see you Smile". It made me cry, and it made me think about what being Millie's Mom means to me and about the work we are doing to help her.
Here are the lyrics:

Sometimes I wonder
How I'd ever make it through,
Through this world without having you
I just wouldn't have a clue

'Cause sometimes it seems
Like this world's closing in on me,
And there's no way of breaking free
And then I see you reach for me

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you, baby
And everything's alright,
everything's alright

When I see you smile
I can face the world, oh oh,
you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light, oh oh,
I see it shining right through the rain
When I see you smile
Oh yeah, baby when I see you smile at me

Baby there's nothing in this world
that could ever do
What a touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that I ever knew

And when the rain is falling
I don't feel it,
'cause you're here with me now
And one look at you baby
Is all I'll ever need,
you're all I'll ever need

Chorus

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby
And everything's alright,
everything's alright

So right...

Peanut butter and cheese ... Man oh man!

2008-06-06T20:12:00.003-04:00

I met a new friend recently, Stacy, who lives down the street from me in our complex. She has a daughter about 9 months younger than Millie named Tia. We have been getting to know one another and watching our kids play together. Over the last week or so that I have know her, I have been reminded to enjoy Millie. It was a needed reminder, as I had become far to serious and intent on teaching my daughter to use the potty and to obey without whining. We had the girls playing with dolls, a toy kitchen, bubbles, the sandbox, and a wading pool. Stacy told me about the crafts and activities she was doing with Tia and I was reminded of how much fun a toddler can be.

Some Millie-isms from this week are especially funny. I'm not sure where she picked up this phrase but, one day this week as I was taking her to the potty she said, "Man oh, Man!" The inflection was hilarious! She has been saying it a lot this week, not just for potty time. It just cracks me up to hear her. :-) Today when I asked her what she wanted for lunch, peanut butter sandwich or cheese tostada, she said "Peanut butter cheese!" So I thought, "Why not? A Peanut butter and cheese sandwich actually sounds pretty good." She devoured it! I think I may try one some day soon. :-)

We all joined the Summer Reading program at the library today, and I am really excited about biting into some juicy books! Millie will get a free book and some coupons. Royce and I will enter a drawing for a gas card and an i-pod. Let the reading begin!

46 Days

2008-04-14T15:37:00.002-04:00

46 days is how long our baby, whom we have decided to call Kasey Jo, lived inside my womb. We do not know if our baby was a boy or a girl, hence the gender neutral name. Kasey Jo means "Watchful [for] Jehovah increases". We marveled at God's work in our lives when we found out February 25th that we were pregnant! I had been sure that I did not ovulate that month and so was just doing a routine pregnancy test before calling the doctor for a drug to start a new cycle. To my surprise, the test came up a faint positive. I had to call Royce in to check if my eyes were imagining things! I took another test 3 days later and a 3rd test a week after the first. From the moment I knew we had another baby I loved that precious child. We praised God for bringing about a baby when we did not expect to be pregnant. I spent a few minutes each day gently rubbing and patty my tummy, talking to baby Kasey. Over and over, throughout the days we spent together I told my beautiful baby how much Momma loves him/her. I even looked through Target's baby things and picked out a construction equipment crib set for if we found out we were having a boy. I was going to get it after our 20 week ultrasound. At Goodwill, soon after learning of the little life I held, I found a sage green maternity top which seemed to celebrate new life. I never got to wear it. Kasey Jo was at her cousin Elli and her cousin Anna's birthday parties. Kasey rocked with big sister Millie most of her days with us after Millie's nap. We danced to music together and shared stories. I daydreamed of cuddling Kasey and of him/her sleeping in his/her Daddy's arms (putting him to sleep too). Today his/her Heavenly Father cuddles Kasey for us.

March 28th, a Friday morning, I was getting dressed for a day at the library. I felt wetness in between my legs and thought "Oh I hate that, it always makes me paranoid something is wrong." When I went to put new underclothes on I saw the blood, mixed with mucus. Tears streamed down my face as I said, "Oh baby, don't go...I was just getting to know you..God please...please.." I put on a pad and got dressed. Then I called my OB's office and reported the bleeding. They asked if I'd had sex recently, recently strained to have a bowel movement, and some other things. I had been pretty uncomfortable Thursday and strained very hard to relieve my discomfort. They said I was probably fine and was probably just bleeding because of my straining Thursday night, but I could come in for an ultrasound to get some reassurance. I called Royce at work and then went on to get Millie up. I dressed and fed her breakfast as usual. We were watching some Sesame Street before heading to the Dr's office when Royce arrived home. His boss had noticed his white face when I told him the news and sent him home with $20 for gas. We went to the Dr together and Royce kept after Millie in the waiting room. I was tense, feeling a growing tightness in my lower abdomen that I wanted to attribute to nerves. When we were called back to the ultrasound room, I was told to empty my bladder and than get ready for the scan. At 7 weeks along they have to do what is called a trans vaginal ultrasound. Basically they send a stick wearing a condom and topped with gel up your vagina. Fun, huh?! Baby Kasey showed up on the screen fairly quickly and we could see his/her little heart beating, I started to cry. Then the tech tossed some tissues on my belly and proceeded to dig for ore (at least that's how it felt). I told her she was hurting me and she just kept right on going. She said my ovaries, uterus, cervix and baby all looked normal. Through the ultrasound machine we heard Kasey's heart beating at 162 beats per minute. She gave me a printout of pictures of our little Kasey. I got dressed and we headed to an exam room to talk with the nurse practitioner (my OB was out of town, or about to be). She said that everything looked fine, but to refrain from sex and lifting Millie till my next appointment. I asked about exercise, she said walking and stretching type exercise was fine. I asked if they would check my progesterone levels, since women with PCOS often have low progesterone(the hormone that helps maintain a pregnancy). I had blood drawn for that, was told we were looking for a level of 15+, and then we left. We went to McDonald's for lunch, Millie had a card for a free Happy Meal from the Lexington Public Library's summer reading program. I had a strawberry milkshake, a quarter pounder with cheese, and fries. We stopped at the library afterward and I watched Millie in the children's department while Royce made copies of our tax returns. I was really not feeling well, so we headed home. Royce put Millie down for her nap and then headed out to get the stool softener the nurse practitioner had recommended and some pads. While he was gone my bleeding increased. I was trying to hold it back and relax at the same time. I tried drinking water to help me feel better and more relaxed. This meant lots of trips to the bathroom. Each time I got up from the sofa a gush of blood came out. Twice when I was on the toilet I heard a splash as a clot of some sort came out into it. Alarmed, I called the OB's office. I told them that my bleeding had increased to period level and I was passing clots or something. They looked at the ultrasound and said, "You had a good ultrasound just now, you are probably bleeding more because of the ultrasound probe. You are fine, just put up your feet and do nothing. You are on bed rest till Monday. Call us Monday and let us know how you are doing." I still had tightness in my lower abdomen, but it wasn't cramps. The bleeding stayed heavy for 7 hours. I filled 3 pads. The bleeding didn't stop till Thursday of the next week, although it was very light between Monday and Thursday. I had help from friends at church with watching Millie and with providing meals. Monday I called to report that I was still bleeding and to get my lab results. I was told that my progesterone level was a 6 and they were calling a prescription in for progesterone suppositories to a compounding pharmacy near us, when I told them I was still bleeding (but less than Friday) they said to stay on semi-bed rest. I could move around a little but no sex and no lifting (esp. Millie). Thursday I passed something that looked like red tapioca pudding on a piece of a rubber glove about the size of my thumb. I called the OB and was told it was probably something to do with the progesterone suppositories I was using. Sunday morning I got up to use the bathroom and felt a small gush (I thought it might be urine). When I was in the bathroom something that looked like a bloody prune came out. I saved it in a clean medicine cup, wrapped that in a clean sandwich bag and then a napkin, and then stashed it inside a box in our refrigerator. I thought about calling the OB, but Royce said they would probably just say what they had said Thursday (April 3). So we didn't call. I was starting to not feel pregnant anymore around Wednesday or Thursday (April 2-3). That connection with Kasey was broken and in my heart I knew he/she was gone. I wanted to believe the Dr and think that Kasey was still alive and with me. I almost convinced myself that I was just paranoid and everything was really fine.

April 9th I went to my appointment, an ultrasound had been scheduled back on my last normal appointment (March 18th). The same ultrasound technician who had done the ultrasound March 28th was doing this ultrasound. I asked her, while I was getting ready, to please be gentle since I had bleeding from the last ultrasound. She was really bitchy and said that ultrasounds don't cause bleeding. I replied that when I called about it I was told it was likely due to the ultrasound probe. She huffed and rolled her eyes. Then she said she didn't have to look at my ovaries so it shouldn't feel the same as the last time. When she started the scan it showed nothing in my uterus. Baby Kasey Jo was gone. The tech said "I'm sorry, I don't see anything today." I said I was afraid of that. Then she really quickly said that ultrasounds don't cause miscarriages. I asked why they hadn't told me I was miscarrying when I called that Friday with more bleeding. She said the ultrasound looked normal. I asked a few questions about my ovaries and about trying to get pregnant again. I got dressed and then was told to wait on a sofa in the hall for an available room to talk to the OB. Once in the room, I looked for a pen so I could write down anything the Dr told me. I didn't have one or see one out. The Dr let me borrow hers. When she first walked in the door, she opened with "Well I'm confused!" She admitted they hadn't evaluated the amount of bleeding properly. She said the ultrasound is what she went by. She said the progesterone level didn't indicate an imminent miscarriage (I'm not sure I believe that). She said we could try again after 1 normal cycle. She said neither Clomid nor Metformin had better success rates than the other for full term pregnancies. She likes Clomid better because it is specifically for causing ovulation, Metformin just brings some greater normalcy to cycle lengths. She said she didn't recommend a full fertility blood workup since we know why Bridget died. The same goes for genetic testing on Royce and I. Personally I want to know I have good eggs, a good uterine environment, etc. before trying to conceive again. Another miscarriage is not something I want to go through. If I'm highly likely to miscarry again, I am done with getting pregnant (at least on purpose). I did bring in what passed Sunday, April 6, and it was sent to the lab to test for information about why I miscarried.

I am angry with how the OB office mishandled my pregnancy and care. They should have recognized a miscarriage when I described one that Friday afternoon and the ultrasound tech should have been MUCH gentler with her technique. I'm looking into if she cause the miscarriage or just did a bad report to the Dr causing a misdiagnosis.

Pregnancy limbo

2008-04-06T11:49:00.002-04:00

I found out on February 25th that I'm pregnant, to my surprise. I had a good first OB appointment in which I got to see our baby on ultrasound, seeing his/her little heart beating. March 28th I woke up to bleeding. I freaked out, thought I was miscarrying. When I called the Dr they asked me some questions and they said the bleeding was probably caused by some over-ambitious bathroom activity the night before. I went in for an ultrasound to make sure all was well. The ultrasound showed our baby with a good strong heartbeat and everything looking normal. When I got home the bleeding had dramatically increased and so I called the Dr back. They said I was probably seeing increased bleeding because of the type of ultrasound they did (vaginal rather than abdominal) and I should put my feet up and not do anything. Friday I soaked 3 pads in 7 hours, but then the bleeding gradually diminished until it disappeared this past Thursday. Thursday I passed a large clot that scared me, so I called the Dr again. They said it was probably due to the prometrium suppository, but to rest and not exert in any way. It happened again this morning, same size and stuff. I don't know whether to feel pregnant or not. Sometimes I am sure I miscarried March 28th after seeing the Dr, sometimes I feel like I am still pregnant. The Dr keeps saying because there was a good heartbeat on the 28th and nothing looked abnormal that I am still fine. This doesn't feel/look like fine in what I would expect from a healthy pregnancy. We are trying to trust God to get us through whatever it turns out to be, whether miscarriage or a difficult pregnancy. This is not easy, but we are not going it alone. God is always with us and has a good purpose in this experience.

A Path Through Suffering

2008-04-04T11:33:00.003-04:00

Over the past 13 months or so I have been learning what it means to trust God regardless of how difficult my circumstances are. We lost our daughter Bridget to miscarriage in March of last year and spent the rest of the year dealing with hard financial times. Just last Friday we had a scare with our current pregnancy when I began to bleed. I was placed on bed rest after the ultrasound showed a good heartbeat on our baby, but the bleeding was still heavy. Over the last week I have been able to get a lot of reading done. Just Wednesday I finished Elisabeth Elliot's book A Path Through Suffering: discovering the relationship between God's mercy and our pain. This book has been so helpful in seeing God's love despite my circumstances and learning to apply the following quote from the book: "Our circumstances are not the window through which we understand His love, but rather we must view our circumstances through His love." God's redemptive work in our lives is shown in how He takes death and produces life. God is continually producing fruit and new life from the little (and sometimes not so little) deaths in our lives. I love what Elisabeth Elliot says on page 133 of her book, "What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Creator calls a butterfly." What a beautiful picture of how an eternal perspective can change how we see our circumstances. In view of eternity we can say with the apostle Paul, "For momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)
The appendix to the book give a list of Scriptural reasons for suffering, following fair use laws I reproduce them here:

First, we suffer for our own sake:
that we may learn who God is Ps 46:1, 10; Dn 4:24-37; the Book of Job
that we may learn to trust 2 Cor 1:8-9
that we may learn to obey Ps 119:67, 71
discipline is proof of the Father's
love and of the validity of our
sonship Heb 12:5-11
it is the condition of discipleship Acts 14:22; Lk 14:26-27, 33
it is required of soldiers 2 Tm 2:4
we are being "pruned that we may
bear fruit Jn 15:2
that we may be shaped to the image
of Christ Rom 8:29
to qualify us to be fellow-heirs
with Christ Rom 8:17
to qualify us for the kingdom of God 2 Thes 1:4-5
to qualify us to reign with Christ 2 Tm 2:12
that our faith may be strengthened Jas 1:3; 2 Thes 1:4-5; Acts 14:22
that faith may be tested and refined Is 43:2; Dn 11:35; Mal 3:2; 1 Cor 3:13;
1 Pt 1:7
that we may reach spiritual maturity Jas 1:4
power comes to its full strength in
weakness 2 Cor 12:9
to produce in us endurance, character,
hope Rom 5:3-4
to produce in us joy and generosity 2 Cor 8:2

Second, we suffer for the sake of God's people:
that they may obtain salvation 2 Tm 2:10
to give them courage Phil 1:14
that because of death working in us,
life may work in them 2 Cor 4:12; Gal 4:13; 1 Jn 3:16
that grace may extend to more 2 Cor 4:15
that our generosity may bless others 2 Cor 8:2

Third, we suffer for the world's sake:
that it may be shown what love and
obedience mean the Book of Job; Jn 14:31; Mt 27:40-43
that the life of Jesus may be visible
in ordinary human flesh 2 Cor 4:10

Fourth, we suffer for Christ's sake:
that we may be identified with Him
in His crucifixion Gal 2:20
suffering is the corollary of faith Ps 44:22; Acts 9:16 and 14:22; 2 Tm 3:12;
Jn 15:18-21; 1 Thes 1:6 and 3:4
that we may share His suffering 1 Pt 4:12-13; Phil 1:29, 2:17 and 3:8, 10;
Col 1:24; 2 Tm 1:8; Heb 13:13
that we may share His glory Rom 8:17-18; Heb 2:9-10; 2 Cor 4:17.

I pray this blesses others dealing with difficult circumstances. To God be the glory.

SNOW!

2008-03-08T20:37:00.002-05:00

Winter Storm Warnings/Advisories spread across the TV news' weather map from Tennessee to Pennsylvania yesterday. We were expected to get 5-10 inches of snow over the course of two days. It looks like we got quite a substantial amount, but I'm not sure if we really got what they expected. But, it is a beautiful sight outside and Millie was so excited to see snow outside her bedroom window this morning. She kept saying, "It's snow!" and "Snow!" Her childlike wonder at the powdery white stuff is adorable. We had a lovely breakfast of cinnamon pancakes and Millie darted about looking out the back window and giggling about the snow. After her nap we took her outside in front of our townhouse. We made snow angels and tromped through the snow drifts. Millie kept turning around and around saying with great excitement "Snow!" Her whole face lit up and she was very excited to be out in the beautiful snow. She thought it was great fun when I suggested we walk around in the snow like the penguins do. Ever since she saw the penguins at the Louisville Zoo she has been amused by penguins. Millie didn't really want to come in from playing in the snow, but Royce and I were losing feeling in our fingers. So, we persuaded her to come in and get some warm food and drink. I made her some hot chocolate, but she wasn't interested. Regular milk was more her thing. Royce and I thoroughly enjoyed our hot chocolate. We have some pictures to commemorate this year's winter storm, which I hope to post at some point. Our scanner is on the blink, so I will have to see about getting a photo CD or perhaps bringing pictures to scan at my parents' house next weekend.

Thoughts on miscarriage a year later

2008-02-22T15:30:00.004-05:00

I was scanning my hymnal last night as I was preparing for today, the first anniversary of the day we found out our daughter Bridget had no heartbeat. The following song, which I remember hearing on the radio when I was growing up, caught my attention:

You said You'd come and share all my sorrows,
You said You'd be there for all my tomorrows;
I came so close to sending You away,
But just like You promised You came there to stay --
I just had to pray,

And Jesus said, "Come to the water,
stand by my side;
I know you are thirsty,
you won't be denied.
I felt every teardrop when in darkness you cried,
And I strove to remind you that for those tears I died."

Your goodness so great I can't understand,
And dear Lord, I know that all this was planned;
I know You're here now, and always will be,
Your love loosed my chains and in You I'm free --
But Jesus, why me?

And Jesus said, "Come to the water,
stand by my side;
I know you are thirsty,
you won't be denied.
I felt every teardrop when in darkness you cried,
And I strove to remind you that for those tears I died."

Jesus, I give you my heart and my soul,
I know that without God I'd never be whole;
Savior, You opened all the right doors,
And I thank You, and praise You from earth's humble shores --
Take me, I'm Yours.

And Jesus said, "Come to the water,
stand by my side;
I know you are thirsty,
you won't be denied.
I felt every teardrop when in darkness you cried,
And I strove to remind you that for those tears I died."

~For Those Tears I Died, by Marsha Stevens c1969.

Revelation 21:1-8 are a fitting Scripture to pair with this song, it says,
"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth passed away, and there is no longer any sea. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, 'Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away,'
"And He who sits on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.' And He said, 'Write, for these words are faithful and true.' Then He said to me, 'It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost. He who overcomes will inherit these things, and I will be his God and he will be My son. But for the cowardly and unbelieving and abominable and murderers and immoral persons and sorcerers and idolaters and all liars, their part will be in the lake that burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.'"
Death entered the world when sin entered the world in the garden of Eden, and with it a whole host of pain and sorrow. But thanks be to God who had redeemed us through His Son and we have the hope of the resurrection and of eternal life with Him. Losing a dearly loved child, whom we endured 3 rounds of fertility drugs to conceive has caused me to hope in the resurrection more and long for the day when I will go to meet my Saviour in heaven. On that day I imagine my daughter running into my arms and I will finally be able to hold her and will no longer be separated from her. I firmly believe that all children who die by miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant death go to heaven. I can provide Scripture references for those who would like them. Bridget does not have to deal with the pain and suffering of this life, and I now see God's mercy in taking her to be with Him. I still very much miss my little girl, but I hope in the life to come when I will see her again. Miscarriage has brought me closer to God and enabled me to know Him on a much deeper level than I had known Him before going through it. The better I know God and the more I see of the depravity of man, the more I long for His return.
With the apostle John I say, "He who testifies to these things says, 'Yes, I am coming quickly," Amen. Come, Lord Jesus." (Revelation 22:20)

Infertility Etiquette

2007-12-19T11:48:00.000-05:00

I got this article from someone in my PCOS e-mail group. I believe it applies for infertility and fertility-challenges.

Infertility Etiquette
By Vita

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More
than five million people of childbearing age in the United States
experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed
about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during
this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to
the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a
recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is
no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the
stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and
move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve
the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of
that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each
month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after
all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news,
they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news
comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This
process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a
deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases
while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve
using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like
calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is
insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and
you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of
this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are
expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in
addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple
pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the
treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three
ways:

They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without
children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child
or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need
your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what
to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the
journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is
half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally
became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive
after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a
couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried
unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most
infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until
they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the
people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain
are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even
more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman
feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good
chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming
pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my
husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone
treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet,
people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a
cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be
treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER
successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical
infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples
are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their
friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those
children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty
house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into
someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to
experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . .
etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile
people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell
somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to
buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation
doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a
parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not
provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things
that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is
the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a
divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways.
To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst"
thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To
someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home
wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman
might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has
been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst"
thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It
could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment
would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein,
don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than
infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't
intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that
I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely
sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women,
don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions?
Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing
their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant
to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition,
not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests
multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri
dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People
frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone
they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this
option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds

One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news,
many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of
success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for
one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs
a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the
"sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.

IVF is Physically Taxing

Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots
into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs
used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become
extremely emotional.

IVF Raises Ethical Issues

Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to
selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized.
Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have
worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to
selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF

On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your
friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way
they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to
make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters.
IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral
leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have
arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues
already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again.
Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your
support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and
they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and
the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this
route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to
endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a
child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your
support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor

Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will
run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to
conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to
conceive. Here are a few of them:

Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
Endometriosis
Male Factor
Thin uterine walls
Multiple Miscarriage
Implantation Issues
Ovulatory Disorders
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
Luteal Phase Defect
Premature Ovarian Faliure
Uterine Factors
There is nothing wrong about learning more about the subject of
infertility. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and
treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the
causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility,
and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The
problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They
already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and
treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to
treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out
other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the
causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve
the problem.

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of
you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's
vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or
"Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not
funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for
your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of
what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans
to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with
pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to
make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand
from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going
crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness,
stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the
discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile
friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts
you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing
inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning
sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months
if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain
about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could
be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new
babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive
to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she
needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't
bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting
you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her
pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure
such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes
about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a
person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I
don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache
for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved
in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved
in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether
you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length
of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your
appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying
to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those
responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as
their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples
have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like.
Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep
through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always
eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some
of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can
give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why
many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men
especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility
testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not
usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually
well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about
infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it
hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller
knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is
expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as
your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't
share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As
an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple
needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an
adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a
"stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with
Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the
importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our
initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why
do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you
grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker
emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start
the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive,
and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that
they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love
an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to
reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her
"own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is
certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The
only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said,
"Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.")
However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the
idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your
friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue
herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am
giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase
their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to
erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here
are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you
care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are
religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same
support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing
they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets
them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day and Father's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, (Father's Day) people tend to
forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an
incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from
it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons
devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating
with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that
I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my
baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a
card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate
knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they
will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even
more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still
first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and
daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their
decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them
from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached
resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become
foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind
them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Top Ten Predictions for 2008

2007-12-19T10:47:00.000-05:00

[I got this from my friend Debbie Cramer, another Cedarville alumni.]

1. The Bible will still have all the answers.
2. Prayer will still work.
3. The Holy Spirit will still move.
4. God will still inhabit the praises of His people.
5. There will still be God-anointed preaching.
6. There will still be singing of praise to God.
7. God will still pour out blessings upon His people.
8. There will still be room at the Cross.
9. Jesus will still love you.
10. Jesus will still save the lost.

God whispers in your soul and speaks to your mind. Sometimes when you
don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at you.

It's your choice: Listen to the whisper, or wait for the brick.

Pretty accurate, wouldn't you say? It is important to look at life through the reality of the Cross.

Adventures in housing...another way of escape!

2007-12-15T13:31:00.000-05:00

Over the past several months my husband and I have been exploring the possibility of buying our first house. We have had an unpleasant experience with our current rental situation and really want to escape. Over the past 10 months or so we have had: heater broke the day we moved in and was not repaired for 10 days (in the month of February), electrical outlets and fixtures working inconsistently, plumbing working improperly in the shower, plumbing clogged twice in a few days getting sewage all over the downstairs floor and management refusing to consider it an emergency and guarantee a plumber the same day, air conditioning not working (in the hottest part of the summer) and management took over 5 weeks to fix it (again, didn't consider it an emergency), front door hanging so crooked that rain got in with it closed and we could stick our fingers between it and the frame with it closed, non-working locks on sliding glass doors, etc. The townhouse was clearly not move-in ready when we signed our lease. We had to call code enforcement to get the repairs moved on, the management consistently drags their feet in getting maintenance done. They wait until something is completely broken/non-functional before they fix it, too. Because the repairs were made, in response to code enforcement action, we had no recourse under the Landlord Tenant Act of Kentucky to break our lease. By the time the last straw was reached, we were in a situation where we would pay the same amount to break our lease as finish it out. In addition, the management tried to change the parking policy for our complex to only allow us to park one of our cars in the lot in front of our townhouse and force us to park the other one on the street. Nevermind that the street would only allow for 16 cars to legally park and there are 48 units in the complex, plus our lease included two reserved parking places. So, we circulated a petition amongst our neighbors that forced management to reinstate the second parking space or reduce our rent by $50/month. They gave us the 2nd space! Our lease is up on January 31, 2008 and we hope to have new housing by then. In addition to the maintenance issues in our current home, we have found the commute to work for Royce to be too long (it takes him 45 minutes to an hour and ten minutes each way).
I went to the Kentucky Housing Corporation (a resource for first time home buyers with low income/low cash flow) website and explored what type of assistance and what amount of financing we could get at this time. We would be able to borrow around 95K and get some assistance with down payment and closing costs. We also explored the house listings for the area near Royce's job. There are a few houses that sell under the 100K price, but they tend to be in less than wonderful neighborhoods, repossessed homes, have major repair/renovation needed and are in short supply. We only needed to find one that would meet our needs and be in a good location. However, with the cost of property taxes and home owner's insurance, we found the payments even on the modestly priced houses more than we currently feel comfortable paying.
But, all is not lost. We have another way of escaping our current housing disaster. There are a number of good rental duplexes not far from Royce's workplace in good neighborhoods and for modest rent. We have enough money saved to pay the deposits and rent a moving truck. So, we are exploring duplexes to rent and hope to report a new address very soon!

Christian speech, lessons from 2nd Corinthians

2007-12-13T11:06:00.000-05:00

I had intended to share here what I learned about how Christians are to speak with fellow believers and with unbelievers with whom they disagree from 2nd Corinthians. However, Steve Camp on his Blog did it far better than I and is well worth reading. Praise God for his ministry and faithfullness to the Word of God. Enjoy! CAMPONTHIS: EMERGENTCY: The Dire Need for Biblical Ministry
...an urgent plea for emergent/emerging leaders

Chicken about using chicken broth?

2007-12-10T14:16:00.000-05:00

For at least as long as my daughter Millie has been around, I have used chicken bouillion cubes in place of canned or boxed chicken broth. This has been primarily to save money and secondarily to save space. It was fine for quite a while, it was cheap and relatively easy to use. I even split apart the cubes into fourths to make the fourth of a cup of broth that I needed for a recipe. I hadn't actually compared the sodium content, but I figured it couldn't be too different from the ready to use broth that comes in cans or boxes. I just checked, and the difference is 60 mg per cup (the prepared stuff is higher). Shocking! I always thought that those little cubes were mostly salt. Over the last six months to a year I have grown increasingly annoyed with the time it takes to prepare broth with the cubes. Not to mention the annoyance I have with getting those suckers to completely dissolve in boiling water! To buy the cheapest container of prepared chicken broth at Meijer means paying 37 cents per cup of broth. Bouillion costs around 15 cents per cup of broth, but requires thinking ahead in preparing a recipe and the effort of getting those pesky little cubes to dissolve. Six and a half months ago my daughter Millie Anne began to walk independently, with that came a lot more time on my part making sure she stayed out of trouble. I'd love to say that I don't have time to use bouillion cubes and toddlers require my use of prepared chicken (or beef for that matter) broth. Is my convenience worth 22 cents more per cup? I've tried using the prepared broth for the last two weeks, and I really like it! But a little thought is popping about in the back of my head that I should use the cheaper cubes in order to be a responsible home manager. It costs less and the sodium is a little bit lower, both good for my family. But the prepared stuff saves me time and aggravation, which helps food get on the table just a little faster and gives me time to check on what Millie is up to while I'm making dinner. Another little voice says, "Buck, buck buckaaah..buck, buck, buckaah...you're afraid to use prepared chicken broth...buck, buck, buckaahhh!"
Now what would YOU do?

Conversation styles and the element of persuasion

2007-12-08T12:07:00.000-05:00

Communication today is complicated by more than just the lack of clarity in statement types (see previous post). Another factor that causes tension and poor communication is difference in conversation style. Many people do not realize there are different styles of conversing and not everyone uses the same one. I didn't realize how strikingly different these could be until I was in graduate school. It happened at an Intervarsity Christian Fellowship meeting one Saturday night. I came across a very blunt, debating style in another IVFer that Saturday. It was off-putting and I found myself clamming up. Fortunately one of the other IVFers took me aside and explained that many people enjoy debating ideas back and forth as a normal way of communicating with others. Those with this style do not intentionally try to shut the other party(ies) in the conversation up but enjoy the intellectual stimulation of batting ideas around. Many with this style want to hear other's perspectives and engage in debating conversation to entertain and edify themselves. True, some of those with a debating style do try to steamroll others into silence and a seeming yielding to their point of view. However, I suspect that most of them have no idea they come across as intimidating due to their direct and debating speaking style. In contrast, my conversation style is a laid-back sharing information, sharing of self type of style. When I converse with other people I am primarily wanting to share myself with them and have them, in turn, share themselves with me. It is a non-confrontational getting-to-know-you approach to conversation. I'm not really wanting to debate ideas back and forth most of the time, not that I can't do that or don't ever want to, it's just not my primary style of communicating. When I discover that I am talking with someone who has the debating style of conversing, I often find myself shutting down and not conversing. I dislike this about me and would really like to learn how to engage those with the debating style more. I probably would enjoy the intellectual stimulation and they probably do care to hear my point-of-view, it's just not explicitly stated. On the rare occasion when I try this style, I probably should be aware of the primary style of the person I am trying it with. For instance, I suspect that my younger sister has more of my laid-back sharing style of conversation and my older sister has more of the debating style of conversation. When speaking in the debating style of conversation with Heather, I should probably state explicitly that I want to hear what she thinks and I would love to have her perspective on what we are talking about. For someone with a sharing conversation style having a conversation in the debating style, we need to know that the other person wants to hear our perspective and is open to learning something from us (and is not by default trying to shut us up and make us agree with them or insult us for not doing so). On the other hand, when speaking with Joy in the debating style of conversation I need to keep my mind engaged and remember that she is probably interested in my perspective and I should share my thoughts and be willing to learn something from hers. But, when I want to speak with Joy in my style, in a sharing conversation style I should tell her that I just want to share ideas/information without batting them about. I am using my sisters as examples just because they are two of the people I have had the most conversations with and I know them well.

Another element to communication complication and confusion is the element of persuasion. If we are honest with ourselves and each other we will admit that there is an element of persuasion in all conversation. We want people to agree with us at least on some level, even if we know that many times they won't agree with us. Think about it, if you tell someone "I love classical music!" you are hoping at least on some level that they will agree with you. This does not mean that you are so ignorant as to think that everyone loves classical music, but you want to share your love of classical music with someone else. The same goes for movies, TV shows, colors, decoration styles, fashion, etc. On some level you want other people to share your enjoyment of these things and agree with what you think makes a good movie, TV show, color, decorative style and your preference in fashion. You also know that people have different preferences/tastes in these things. Is it possible to affirm someone else's preferences/tastes without losing your own? Can we be confident enough in our own perspective/opinions to hear differing ones? Don't let my opinion differing from yours make you not share your opinion with me! Have enough confidence in what you think to express it to others. Perhaps we should all make an effort to, when it seems someone has been shut down by our sharing our opinion of something, say "What do you think? I'd love to hear your opinion!" Perhaps this will bolster their confidence and affirm their value enough to get a good conversation going! We should look out for those who tend to get left out of conversations because they lack the confidence or ability to articulate their opinion in the face of opposing viewpoints. It is also valuable to admit that there is an element of persuasion in all communication.

Communication confusion

2007-12-07T14:50:00.000-05:00

I think there are three basic types of speech, which are:
1) Statements of belief (Absolute truth, true for everyone)

2) Statements of personal convictions (how I personally apply Scripture in my life, differs from person to person, although many agree on individual points of conviction but not necessarily all)

3) Statements of preference (what I like and dislike, in varying degrees)

Confusion in our communication occurs when it is unclear to our hearer(s) which type of speech we are using. It seems as though I am often guilty of being unclear in how I speak and sometimes I am guilty of judging other's freedom by my conscience when in fact what we are discussing is not something that rises to the level of absolute truth as clearly stated in the Bible or clearly evident by objective observation. Quite often when I, and many of my acquaintances, begin to speak; we do so without preamble or statement of intent. We aren't being clear as to whether we are building a case for an absolute truth, describing our personal convictions or merely stating our preferences. In a desire to be clear in my speech with others, I would like to suggest some prefatory remarks.
1) If I am making a statement of belief/truth, I could preface my remark with something like "I believe the Bible teaches that..."
2) If I am making a statement of personal conviction, I could preface my remark with something like "Personally, I ..."
3) If I am making a statement of preference, I could preface my remark with something like "I prefer ..."
Hopefully by preceeding my statements by an introduction phrase that indicates my intent much confusion and misunderstanding can be averted. My struggle to avoid judging another's freedom by my own conscience is a subject for another post. I have read some helpful teaching on this subject in 1 Corinthians 6-10, which I will write about later.

Self-feeding Boot Camp Days 4 and 5

2007-09-22T00:00:00.000-04:00

Thursday was far too busy to get online and read e-mail let along reporting on this blog how Millie did. It really was, because there really was something to report. At dinner yesterday Millie achieved her first successfull scoop with a fork and brought some Chicken Tetrazzini to her mouth. We made a big deal about it and she was pleased that she'd done something so good! Breakfast was uneventful Thursday and Friday lunch/supper was weird. She took about 30 minutes to just sit and look around before she even started to eat her macaroni although I did help her with some sweet potato. But she managed to finish her food, including a delicious pear half!
Today was BIG!
At breakfast this morning Millie Anne ate all of her applesauce with her spoon without help from me! I was sooo proud of her! She was happy too. We both were happy giggly all morning.
Dinner went well, but Millie was a bit nervous about using her fork by herself in front of Royce. She was holding it correctly and tried to scoop a bit but then backed off. She kept doing that until Royce came over and guided her hands through using the fork to eat her dinner. Oh well! She'll gain confidence the more she uses her fork. Royce encouraged her and gently worked with her until she finished her dinner.
Lunch/Supper was low-key, no really exciting stuff. A good meal though.
I am very encouraged by Millie Anne's progress this week and plan to continue working with her until she gains the consistency and confidence she needs. It has been a really tiring week and intense, but productive!

Self-feeding Boot Camp Day 3

2007-09-19T22:53:00.000-04:00

I'm exhausted, this week has been really intense! Fortunately it is what we American's affectionately call "hump day", so the week's nearly through. Millie Anne has been making good progress in the time it takes her to complete each meal (tonight's lunch/supper is a special exception..I'll get to that in a minute) and she is trying to use her silverware. She has yet to successfully scoop or stab food and then get it into her mouth, but she is doing better at the scooping and stabbing end of things. It doesn't help when the food is slippery greens or noodles. But she might as well get those figured out, right? We had fewer temper tantrums from Millie today due to my realization that what has been keeping her from getting to sleep terribly quickly at night is the fact that she is cutting more teeth. So, last night I gave her some Tylenol to help her along. She slept so well last night that she gave me a precious half hour of cuddling this morning as she slowly woke up. (She even shoved Buddy off my lap when he had the audacity to hop up during her cuddle with Momma...she told him where to get off!)
Breakfast
We did toast again but did applesauce instead of banana (bananas are gone for the week). I worked with her on spooning the applesauce and I think she would have successfully gotten applesauce to her mouth from start to finish if it hadn't been for the distraction of Cookie Monster on Sesame Street.
Dinner
Royce and I took turns guiding Millie's hand with the fork on today's Impossible Cheeseburger Pie, swiss chard, and butternut squash. She made several attempts at independent use of the fork, but the darn food kept falling off the fork!
Lunch/Supper
She was humming along on her lettuce, when...we interrupt this meal for a word from below the table..nnnhgggg nnnnnnhhggggg nnnngghhhh...Yep, downloading the latest installment! She was trying to eat but kept getting interrupted with...nnnnghhhh nnnnghhhh... finally I had to lay her on the floor and help the process along. She actually giggled when she finished. Then I helped her lay into the macaroni and cheese, and this time I had a fit over the noodles falling off the fork. Darn slippery suckers! Millie finished this meal just as the hour bell went off.
I gave her a quick bath and got her off to bed in record time! Ahhhh...blissfull relaxation after the little one has gone to bed. Now it's my turn to go into the Land of Nod. Ciao.

Self-feeding Boot Camp Day 2

2007-09-18T22:46:00.001-04:00

Today got off to a great start. Millie Anne seemed really excited to be more independent. I think my enthusiasm for her being a big girl now is helping. She is definitely in the almost two phase. We've hit the terrible two's big time, fighting off temper tantrums off and on all day. I guess that's par for the course. With God's help we will conquer this hurdle too. Here's the feeding report:
Breakfast
I decided to go easy on Millie today. She ate toast and half of a banana along with her milk. She did very well and only balked a little bit about finishing her toast. She really likes banana! I've found that Millie is only difficult about eating something when there is something she likes better available. It's not that she doesn't like what she's being told to eat, it's that she likes one of the other things on the menu better. Breakfast was completed in under half an hour, with only one stealth piece of toast found under Millie Anne's bottom...and yes, I did make her eat it.
Dinner
This was definitely the toughest meal of the day, with Impossible Cheeseburger Pie, fried cabbage, and yellow squash on the menu. The first thing Millie discovered was that the Impossible Cheeseburger Pie was too hot to pick up with her fingers. Next she realized she'd be much better off using the fork than her fingers, but the fork frustrated her. She seemed to really want to use the fork, but found she couldn't manage it very well. Royce and I each took a turn holding the fork with her and guiding her hand through the process of both scooping and stabbing the food she wanted to eat. She did really well. She even made several attempts to do both scooping and stabbing with the fork herself. She has the right idea, just not the dexterity or force needed for success. I am very encouraged that she is voluntarily picking up the fork and attempting to feed herself with it. Her skills at handling it are improving.
Lunch/Supper
This meal was pretty easy, with macaroni and cheese, lettuce and half a banana on the menu. It was completed in 40 minutes, with seconds on the lettuce. She used her fingers for most of the meal, but did work with me on the fork and attempted to use the fork independently.
That's all for now!

Self-feeding Bootcamp Day 1

2007-09-17T22:56:00.000-04:00

I finally broke down and did it. Millie Anne is turning two in just a little over a month and I am very ready for her to feed herself. So I decided to get serious about having her self feed. At the advice of family and friends, I put a towel under her chair this morning and set food in front of Millie and let her go at it. I knew she'd probably prefer to use her fingers, but I plan to work on getting her to use a fork and a spoon at least some of the time. At the outset, I told Millie that she was going to be a big girl today and feed herself. I also told her that she would have until the timer rings to eat each meal (I set it for an hour). She will not be allowed to dump, throw or spit her food. But she will be encourage to use every means at her disposal to get food to her mouth. Messes are expected, I will just periodically scoop her spills back onto her plate or into her bowl. I hope to see progress by week's end.
Here's how today went:
Breakfast
We started off with cold cereal and applesauce. Probably not the tidiest choice, but it's one of our typical breakfasts. As expected Millie used her fingers for the majority of the meal. She finished her cereal in 20 minutes, with some spoon use at my prompting (she did everything but scoop). Applesauce took another 15 minutes, and she used her fingers yet again (oy!). This self-feeding thing is just as tough on Momma as it is on Millie. I was biting my tongue so I wouldn't spazz about the mess. She did get most of it into her mouth and even picked up some of her spills. Just a few flakes on the towel and some on the seat.
Dinner (our midday meal)
Green spaghetti sauce on medium pasta shells, green beans, yellow squash and garlic toast. All food was consumed and no food on the towel. Plenty of sauce on the hands, placemat, tablecloth, seat and bib. Some good work on using a fork for the pasta and some good independent attempts at fork use. Meal completed in 30 minutes.
Lunch/Supper
Ham, sweet potato, mac and cheese, and apple. Took 40 minutes to eat 1/4th of an apple. Had to be heavily prompted to eat her apple. Finished sweet potato and ham with some fork work, finished most of the mac and cheese. Cried when timer went off and I took her food away. She only had 3 bites or so of mac and cheese and 1/4th of an apple unfinished. Debris extended past the towel and under the table, found a piece of squashed sweet potato underneath her and some uneaten macaroni in her bib. Nearly melted down myself over the 40 minutes she took on the apple. Gotta get a grip, this self-feeding bootcamp is not for sissies!

An artist is born!

2007-08-29T21:58:00.000-04:00

A monumental event occured in our household today. Millie Anne picked up her crayons and drew a picture, rather than trying to eat them as she has every other time I have given her crayons. Perhaps it was the fact that she had a blank sheet of paper in front of her rather than a coloring book or restaurant menu, but I'm more inclined to think she's reached a level of developmental maturity that seeks to communicate with crayons rather than seeing them as food. I'm definitely biased, but I think Millie Anne's first picture (the first one with no assistance from me anyway) is beautiful! I love how she picked up each crayon with a big grin on her face and a light in her eyes, lifted it over her head, and then proceeded to draw with it. I was naming the colour of each crayon as she picked it up, and she seemed about to repeat what I said a few times. She can say red, and today she said yellow for the first time (actually it sounds like "Yewow", but it counts). She definitely gravitates towards the red and purple crayons the most. Hurray for bright and cheerful colours!!

Worship

2007-08-28T21:04:00.000-04:00

This past Saturday Royce and I met with our pastor and finished our new member's class. I was very blessed by the lesson on a Biblical theology of worship. It really made me think about how I approach worship in the congregational setting especially. Here's what our pastors wrote:
"Over the last couple of decades, evangelicalism has been engaged in what has been coined as “worship wars.” At the heart of this battle lie such questions as, “What is the right way to worship?” “What kind of instruments should be used during worship?” “What kind of worship style is biblical?” “Should we use a screen or hymnbooks?” These and many other such questions of style and taste have caused much division in the body of Christ and confusion about how the church should worship. But, there is a root problem with these “wars” that must be acknowledged before it can be avoided. The problem is we have forgotten the essence of worship and focused on the form. We give higher priority to a philosophy of music than a theology of worship, instead of letting the latter dictate the former. We are more concerned with how we worship than why we worship, or even who we worship! Thus, the focus of this lesson is to lead us to answer the question, “what is the essence of biblical worship?”

I. Our Definition of Biblical Worship.

The essence of biblical worship is an intense inner, Godward experience of the heart that leads the believer to outwardly and consciously reflect the worth or value of God in word and deed, both individually and corporately.

II. Worship as seen in the Bible.

A. The term proskuneo is the main word used for worship both in the Septuagint (Greek O.T.) and in the New Testament. The term implied a physical falling down in reverence before a visible majesty (Gen 42:6; Ex. 33:10; Judges 2:12).
B. The use of this term in the New Testament is found mostly in the Gospels as people are confronted with the visible, incarnate Christ (26x, Matt. 28:9) and in the book of Revelation as the saints and elders are in the presence of the visible, risen Christ (21x, Rev. 22:8,9).
C. This term for worship is only used once in the New Testament letters (I Cor. 14:25), and it doesn’t occur at all in the letters of Peter, James, and John. Why? Because in the age between the ascension and the second coming Christ is not visibly here to worship. Thus, as John Piper states, “worship is radically internalized and delocalized” (Brothers, We are not Professionals, 230).

III. What is “true worship?”

A. Worship is not about a location, but true worship is done in spirit and in truth (John 4:19- 24). “Inner spiritual reality replaces geographic locality.”
· Because God is spirit, proper worship of him is also a matter of spirit rather than physical location. Also, it must be noted that how we worship is based on who God is. Our theology of worship cannot be divorced from theology proper.
· Worship in spirit suggests a contrast to merely external conformity, but an internal working of the Spirit that produces Christ-likeness in our manner of living.
· Worshipping in truth refers to the worship of God consistent with His character (Jn 3:33), the character of the Word made flesh, who ultimately revealed His Father (Jn 14:6), and the inspired Word of God (Jn 17:17).

B. Worship is not about tradition, but true worship is an attitude of the heart (Matt. 6:5-8; 15: 8-9).

C. Worship is not about self-gratification, but true worship is an offering of our lives to God for His service and glory.
· Philip Ryken makes an astute observation when he states, “In this self-centered age, worship is no longer about glorifying God; it is about satisfying myself, even feeling good about myself. It is all about me – what I need, what I like, and what I’m getting out of it.” (City on a Hill, 57)
· All of life and ministry is an expression of an inner sense of worship based on the character of God and the work of Christ. Worship is seen primarily and significantly in a daily living out of our reasonable service. (Philippians 3:3; Romans 12:1, 2; Hebrews 13:12-16)

D. Worship is not about self-glorification, but true worship is about living in a way that reveals or expresses how great and glorious God is (Philippians 1:20-21; I Cor. 10:31; Col 3:17). “Worship is all about consciously reflecting the worth or value of God” (Piper, 233).

IV. We keep worship God-centered by keeping it Word-centered.
· “To worship God we must know who God is, but we cannot know who God is unless God first chooses to reveal Himself to us. God has done this in the Bible, which is why the Bible and the teaching of the Bible need to be central in our worship.” – James Montgomery Boice
· Because we believe that the content of worship comes from the Bible, we will strive to preach the Scriptures, teach the Scriptures, pray the Scriptures, study the Scriptures, sing the Scriptures and live the Scriptures! (2 Timothy 2:15; 3:16, 17; 4:2; Colossians 3:16)."

Peace of mind

2007-08-16T09:40:00.000-04:00

Last night Royce brought home the form that shows that he now has merit status with the state of Kentucky (permanent employee and no longer on probation). It shows his raise as well. This has been a long time in coming and we have been riding a roller coaster as we learn the ropes of the employment system with state government. One of the most important things we have learned is that our peace and security have to rest with God alone, He is the only secure thing in our lives. Everything else can change at a moments notice, but God never changes. God can be counted on completely and the peace that comes from Him is the only true peace. I was reading in Isaiah 9 this morning and the following verses grabbed my attention:
Isaiah 9:6-7
"For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us; and the government will rest on His shoulders; and His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace. There will be no end to the increase of His government or of peace, On the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it with justice and righteousness from then on and forevermore. The zeal of the Lord of hosts will accomplish this."
This lead me to look up Philippians 4:4-9:
"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be know to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts andyour minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."
and Proverbs 3:5-7:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil."
Because God is in charge of our lives, anxieties have no place in our lives. When our human nature makes us anxious, we should seek the Lord to remove such anxiety and replace it with His peace. God will never abandon His children, He walks with, guides and carries them through all the storms of this life. My thoughts should dwell on Him and His ways, my mind should be on that which is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, of good repute, excellent, and worthy of praise. This pretty much rules out stewing over my circumstances and problems. When my mind begins to drift that way, I need to seek the Lord and His scriptures to get back onto the right things. I need to trust God's understanding of my circumstances and not mine. Life is all about God, not about mankind.
Thank the Lord that I live at the mercy of God and not at the whim of man!

Dryer bowling and the sandbox

2007-08-08T22:22:00.000-04:00

Royce and I had some fun this afternoon after Millie Anne went down for her nap. We brought home a dryer from Ohio this past weekend. We decided to attempt to unload the dryer from the van and bring it into the house just the two of us. I pulled the van around to the condo complex parking lot behind our house and Royce cleared the deck for the momentious entrance. Well, as Royce eased the dryer out of the van, it became abundantly clear that I was going to have trouble lifting it. Both of us were having trouble finding good places to grab a hold of the dryer. Reminiscent of a Friends episode, we started out by "pivot"-ing the dryer through the grass (tearing out large chunks of turf with the little feet on the dryer. Then I noticed that the condo lawn care people had just planted new grass on the edge of the condo complex's lot. We couldn't keep up the "pivot"-ing technique and avoid ripping up their work. Another attempt at lifting the dryer failed, so we had to come up with a creative idea. And thus the new sport of dryer bowling was born. We began to flip the dryer end over end through the "lane" of bushes and onto our back porch. For that perfect strike, we strategically placed two boards heading up from the porch and in through the sliding glass door. We bowled a perfect game... I just wish there had been someone to take a picture, it would have been hysterical!
This summer we got Millie Anne a red ladybug sandbox through the generosity of her grandparents. When we attempted to get her to play in it, she just cried and shyed away. She would laugh as long as the ladybug's lid was closed, but would back away as soon as we tried to coax her into playing with the sand. This evening all that changed. With a newly acquired bucket and shovel set, we headed out once more to see if Millie would take to the sandbox. I started out gradually, by getting her to laugh at the funny ladybug on the porch. Then I opened the lid slowly and began to show her how to use the shovel to play with the sand. I demonstrated how to use the shovel to put sand in the bucket. She watched for a little while and I handed her the other shovel. She circled nearer and nearer to the sandbox, and when I squatted on the opposite side of the box from her, she gingerly squatted down and picked up some sand. She ran the sand through her fingers, buried her hands in the sand and felt its texture over and over again. She sprinkled some sand into the bucket and then dumped out the sand. By far, her favorite thing to do was pick up the sand and watch it fall. We'll have to work on keeping the sand in the sandbox, but we sure had a blast! When she was done, we headed upstairs for a much needed bath. Nothing like getting good and clean after getting good and dirty (or is that sandy?).

The Baby Formerly Known as Bryce...

2007-04-13T21:30:00.000-04:00

March 30th, two weeks ago, I received a call from my obstetrician that would change the way we think about our baby forever. She told me that the baby we had, up to that point, known as Bryce Elliott Hunt was actually a baby girl not a baby boy as the doctor and nurses present at her birth had said. I was shocked and a bit embarrassed that we had gotten our precious baby's gender wrong. It seems like I should know the difference between a boy and a girl (and the medical staff certainly should have!). The obstetrician said that she had some swelling around the genital area that could have been mistaken for male parts. She had been dead in utero for so long that her body had changed considerably. The pathologist determined that our baby girl, hereafter to be known as Bridget Ellice Hunt, had died around 14 weeks into her life. She had a cystic hygroma on her neck, which is a fluid-filled sac that resulted from a blockage in the lymphatic system. It led to a webbing of her neck and to what is called hydrops (an excessive amount of fluid in the body). Hydrops caused her heart to fail and is the cause of death. In Bridget's case the cystic hygroma developed because she had Turner's Syndrome, a condition where one X chromosome is missing from her cells. Normally, there are 13 pairs of chromosomes in each cell. With Turner's Syndrome one of these is dropped, it is largely believed, during cell division at conception. Turner's Syndrome is not hereditary in any way and 98% of children with Turner's die in the womb. Those who are born with Turner's Syndrome experience shorter than normal growth and premature ovarian failure (often before puberty). Doctor's often prescribe growth hormones for the height and hormone replacement therapy for the ovarian failure to allow these girls to develop breasts and have menstrual cycles. Women with Turner's Syndrome have a 1% chance of having biological children, most are sterile. Most of them lead normal lives, with the exception of reproduction. Every woman has an equal chance of conceiving a Turner's baby and having one Turner's baby does not increase your chances of conceiving another. Turner's is believed to occur in 1 out of 5000 conceptions.

Why does everything feel so fragile?

2007-03-27T23:46:00.000-04:00

Does anyone have a cure for gloom and a sense of impending doom? In my heart I know that God is my hope and His sovereignty over my life and all of creation should be enough to dispell these feelings. But, my head won't get it. I keep wondering when something else will go wrong, when the next piece of bad news will arrive. The welfare of my family and myself seems always to be at risk. Millie is currently dealing with a spider bite and some diarrhea. I'm worried that my dietary measures and comforting her is not enough and she is going to become deathly ill. It's usually a fleeting thought, but it's there. My breasts feel lumpy and sore, but that may just be because my milk hasn't completely dried up and I am still returning to unpregnant "normal". Perhaps the bras I'm wearing don't fit right at this point. My mind keeps pinging to words like cancer and masectomy. I have nightmares about something happening to Royce or my parents. I'm fearfull of someone breaking into our house. Why am I so fearfull? I believe that God loves me and is in control of my life. I trust Him to do what is best for me. Perfect love casts out fear. What's wrong with me?
I feel a sense of failure about the pregnancy and about Bryce. Not that I conciously did something wrong, but more that my body failed or just a general sense of failure. I want to give my husband children, and losing Bryce fails at that in a sense. We want children, to raise a bunch of kids together. My reproductive system does not work like it should. My OB/GYN diagnosed me with PCOS due to my irregular periods and other factors. I have to take fertility drugs to ovulate in order to get pregnant. Hopefully someone will discover a cure for my condition, find out how to get my reproductive system functioning normally. Wishing for things doesn't make them happen though. My prayer is that God will enable me to trust him with this and every other area of my life. He loves me and wants my good. Only He knows exactly what that looks like.

Feelings about the death of Bryce and the aftermath

2007-03-21T23:33:00.000-04:00

It seems hard to believe that it has been 19 days since I delivered Bryce and held his lifeless body in my arms. I feel like it just happened, and yet part of me feels afraid that things are starting to be too "normal" again. My baby boy is almost all I can think about right now, but I am trying to take care of my daughter Millie and be part of other people's lives as well. I want to stay connected to family and friends, yet I am still hurting and grieving over the loss of my little little child. I don't want to sit around wallowing in self-pity but I don't want to pretend nothing happened. I was pregnant! We were eagerly anticipating the August delivery of our little boy, Bryce. We found out February 22nd that Bryce had died and I delivered him at Norton Suburban Hospital in Louisville, Kentucky on March 2, 2007 at 2:45 a.m. I don't expect other people to be thinking about this as much as I am, nor do I want to only talk about the loss of our son Bryce. But it hurts when people don't acknowledge the fact that I'm grieving. I like to be asked how I'm doing, it's nice to know that people care. Sometimes, I know, people don't know what to say or feel awkward. But saying nothing feels like they either do not care or expect me to be "over it" already. I'm not going to "just get over it" this quickly. Bryce is a real person, that I really knew and that I really miss. I did not just lose the dream of a child, I lost a person! It takes a while to grieve, and I'm an individual who will grieve in my own way and for the length of time that I need to take. I don't want to get over this, I don't even want my breasts to dry up. Perhaps my squeezing milk from my breasts each night is a bit like scratching off the scab of a wound. It hurts, but it holds a morbid fascination for me. It sort of "hurts so good". I'm not ready to let go of the physical feeling of being the mother of an infant. Every part of my being longs to still have my son Bryce, to be able to care for him. For my breastmilk to dry up is to lose the last vestige of my pregnancy and a severing of that link to my son. I want empathy, emotional caring, expressions of real concern. I want comfort and acknowledgement of the personhood of my son Bryce. I want to function, to get my house in order, to be a good mother to my daughter Millie. Yet, in some ways doing that feels like a betrayal of Bryce or like I am trying to forget him. Sitting around moping or crying constantly doesn't seem right either, though. I am a Christian, and so I don't grieve as one in despair. I believe that my son Bryce is in heaven being loved and cared for by our heavenly Father. I believe that I will see my son again and that I will finally be able to hold him in life, the life to come. How should my grieving look right now? What ought I to be doing? Is sleeping and crying and not doing more than absolutely necessary being selfish or is it appropriate? How much should I do in the way of housework, child care, and involvement in regular activities (church, errands, community events, family functions, etc.)? I want to be real, and not put on some act to garner attention or praise for my "bravery". Perhaps that means that some days I will be really productive around the house and some days I will appear to have done nothing of consequence. My relationship with God is deepening and for that I am grateful. I am able to keep the kitchen picked up and my family fed. Millie seems to be doing okay under my care. I'm doing some things to keep up my relationships with family and friends. I think that I could do more to keep up with family and friends though. Housework and unpacking from our move are things that I want to get done. Perhaps I am afraid of "returning to normal" and I need to find a "new normal" that includes the reality that I have two children, one of which is in heaven. I don't want to appear to be trying to forget Bryce nor do I want to wallow in self-pity.

A Poem for Bryce Elliott Hunt

2007-03-05T16:59:00.000-05:00

My son, how I longed for you to be,
to see you bouncing on your Daddy's knee!
Momma and Daddy love you so much,
oh to have you feel the tenderness of my touch.

How excited I was to know you were real,
I jumped all over Daddy, it was such a big deal!
When I told my family you were coming,
how happy they all were, such a blessing!

How I long to nuture you and cuddle you close to me,
now I know God in heaven cuddles you for me.
I love you and toward you feel such tenderness,
while I know our Heavenly Father loves you best.

How your Daddy loves you,
and sought earnestly to provide for you.
He wanted to protect you from harms,
and cuddle you sleeping in his arms.

News of you was the best Christmas gift this year,
to your grandparents who wanted to hold you near.
How thrilled they were that you'd be a little brother,
and play with your sister Millie like no other.

Hearing your steady heartbeat was so precious,
and feeling you move so playfull, so curious.
Daddy put his head on my belly while you were still inside,
and at feeling you move his pleasure he could not hide.

You have met your sister Millie,
one afternoon as I held her close to me.
You kicked your big sister
and she squirmed, for you suprised her!

I looked forward to hearing your little sounds coming from your crib,
and wiping who knows what from your little bib.
I wanted to have quiet moments just you and I,
feeding you and hearing your burps, oh my!

I was curious to see your personality unfold,
and seeing if boys are as impish as I've been told!
Daddy's wanted to hear you call his name as he comes home from work,
and to see if you share his very ticklish quirk.

How we'd love to see you smile,
and find ways to make you laugh for just a little while.
It would be fun to see what games you'd play,
and hear what you would say.

Baby Bryce, we are so sad to see you go,
we will miss you so!
How we want to play with you,
and share so much with you too.

Daddy and I know we will see you in heaven,
though we will be separate for a little while we will see you again.
God has you in His arms now,
and one day you will run to ours and we will wait somehow!

~for my son, Bryce Elliott Hunt, born into the hands of Jesus March 2, 2007.

The Sign of the Sabbath

2007-01-27T17:34:00.000-05:00

I am reading through the Bible this year and today I read Exodus 31. Although I know that I have read this chapter over half a dozen times, today I noticed something profound in verses 12-17.
Exodus 31:12-17 says,
"The Lord spoke to Moses, saying, "But as for you, speak to the sons of Israel, saying, 'You shall surely observe my sabbaths; for this is a sign between Me and you throughout your generations, that you may know that I am the Lord who sanctifies you. Therefore you are to observe the sabbath, for it is holy to you. Everyone who profanes it shall surely be put to death; for whoever does any work on it, that person shall be cut off from among his people. For six days work may be done, but on the seventh day there is a sabbath of complete rest, holy to the Lord; whoever does any work on the sabbath day shall surely be put to death. So the sons of Israel shall observe the sabbath, to celebrate the sabbath throughout their generations as a perpetual covenant. It is a sign between Me and the sons of Israel forever; for in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, but on the seventh day He ceased from labor, and was refreshed."
I had been aware of the connection between observance of the sabbath and the seventh day of creation, but I had not seen that one of the purposes of the sabbath was to show Israel that it was the Lord who sanctifies them (and not the observance of the Law or performance of sacrifices/rituals delineated in the previous chapters of Exodus). Grace is presented here in the Old Testament! This statement shows that God is the one who gives people right standing before Him, not our actions. This is huge. Yes, God gave the nation of Israel His standards and expected them to be obedient. But, He also clearly states here that it is God who sanctifies them. The sabbath was to be a weekly reminder/sign to the people of Israel that "I am the Lord who sanctifies you." What a wonderful grace God extended to them in this weekly refreshment and reminder that it is He who sanctifies (and thus He must be the object of their faith, not their observance of the Law alone).
In the New Testament Jesus taught that the Sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath. The rest we are to observe is for our benefit. In the Exodus passage it says that when the Lord rested on the seventh day of creation He was refreshed. The sabbath is also said to serve as a sign that it is the Lord who sanctifies. In New Testament practice, the church gathers on the first day of the week (Acts 20:7, 1 Cor. 16:2, etc.) and from what can be discerned from the book of Acts, communion was taken at each gathering. Communion or the Lord's Supper was given to us by Christ and in it we proclaim the Lord's death until He comes. Communion, then, serves as our reminder that it is Jesus Christ who gives us our standing before God. We are also taught that God is the One who sanctifies us throughout Scripture, such as the High Priestly prayer in John 17 Jesus prays "Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth. As You sent Me into the world, I also have sent them into the world. For their sakes I sanctify Myself, that they themselves also may be sanctified in truth." and also throughout Romans and Hebrews. The idea of entering God's rest is taught throughout the Bible, not just in reference to the sabbath taught in Exodus. Hebrews 4, states "Therefore, let us fear if, while a promise remains of entering His rest, any one of you may seem to have come short of it. For indeed we have had good news preached to us, just as they also; but the word they heard did not profit them, because it was not united by faith in those who heard. For we who have believed enter that rest, just as He has said, 'As I swore in My wrath, they shall not enter my rest,' although His works were finished from the foundation of the world. For He has said somewhere concerning the seventh day, 'And God rested on the seventh day from all His works'; and again in this passage, 'they shall not enter my rest.' Therefore, since it remains for some to enter it, and those who formerly had good news preached to them failed to enter because of disobedience, He again fixes a certain day, 'Today,' saying through David after so long a time just as has been said before, 'Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts.' For if Joshua had given them rest, He would not have spoken of another day after that. So there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God. For the one who has entered His rest has himself also rested from his works, as God did from His. Therefore let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do. Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
What I have learned from this study is that I need frequent reminders that it is God who sanctifies me and that it is the finished work of Christ that makes me right with God. I need to be told often that it is by grace that I have been saved and that it is by grace that I stand and can approach God. I can draw near with confidence to the throne of grace. I have access to God through Jesus Christ, and there is help and mercy for me in my time of need. Praise the Lord! Praise His Name! Oh that all may know of His marvelous grace to us! God, through His Spirit, has been leading me to a deeper understanding of His grace in my sanctification and in my walk with Him. Oh how foolish and forgetful I am. I need to take advantage of communion and Sunday worship to refresh my memory concerning the gospel of my salvation and the finished work of Christ. These thoughts may not be very well organized, and they certainly are not as organized as I wish they were. But, I hope that these thoughts may encourage fellow believers to soak in the Word of God, to remind themselves of the Gospel of Grace, and praise our Lord Jesus Christ for His finished work.

Wonderful changes coming!

2007-01-26T15:29:00.000-05:00

Life is so exciting for us these days. Royce took a new job with the Kentucky State Police recently and we found a beautiful townhouse in Lexington to rent. I will be finally rid of the mold, bad parking and heavy foot traffic by our window (literally 2 feet or less from the window)! Our new place is a stand alone townhouse, which means that it doesn't share a wall with any of the nearby townhouses. We will have a patio out back our own private entrance in front, and a balcony off one of the bedrooms. It will more than 25% bigger than our old apartment and will have newer carpet as well as fresh paint. The best thing about the paint job is that it is a light warm brown color with white on the trim...so much more welcoming than the typical apartment white. It has a washer/dryer hookup, so we will be getting our first full-size washer and dryer. And, a key feature, is there will be two toilets in the house (great for potty training and having guests over). Shopping is nearby, so I won't have to go far for groceries and the public library is nearby as well.
Our best change coming soon is another baby who is expected to arrive around August 4th. After hearing the little one's heartbeat yesterday I am finally relaxing and getting excited about having another baby to love. It is exciting to think of holding that warm little bundle and watching Millie Anne learn how to be the big sister! Children are such a blessing and, while they also come with crying, tantrums and sometimes difficult to discern problems, I cannot imagine going back to childlessness. By the grace of God we will outlive our children and learn to be good parents to those God places in our lives.
We will be moving to the new place next month, so I am doing my best to clear out the junk we do not want to take with us. Pretty soon I am going to need to start boxing up stuff! We plan to move the small stuff in gradually, with Royce taking a few boxes or items with him when he goes to work during the week. Then, around February 10 or 17 we will move the big stuff (along with whatever else remains). One of the families from our church has volunteered to watch Millie so that I can concentrate on getting ready to move. I am so thankful for the friends and family that we have already heard from who are willing to help us during the transition.

The jury is still out...

2007-01-25T15:38:00.000-05:00

I had my second OB appointment today for our second pregnancy. It was very reassuring to hear the baby's heartbeat! I had a nightmare earlier this week that my baby had died and I have heard about a lot of women miscarrying lately. Fortunately God has mercifully spared me from having to deal with the loss of a child. The baby's heartbeat sounded strong and healthy, but a little bit slower than Millie's (we have her heartbeat recorded from her 12 week gestation date). At this point we don't know if there is more than one baby inside, but most women who have twins don't know until they see two babies on the ultrasound (which is typically done around 20 weeks or halfway through the pregnancy). Sometimes twins have distinctly different heart rhythms and the OB can hear that at 12 weeks. Not this time. We will have to wait till my ultrasound in March to find out that little piece of juicy information!
I am so thankful God has given us a second child and that this child is healthy. We have had difficuly conceiving and part of me worried that I was being greedy or ungrateful for my first baby in seeking another. If you read Elyse Fitzpatrick's Idols of the Heart she says that Rachel's desire for a second child was idolatry and thus sinful. She just about says that God took her life in giving birth to Benjamin because of her idolatry/ingratitude. (Let me just say that I disagree with Ms. Fitzpatrick on this one and do not believe the Bible indicates that she was sinning). I do agree that a desire for children can become idolatry. Many of the women that I talk to in my email group for infertility do struggle with allowing their desire to become pregnant consume their lives. God is the one who opens and closes wombs, and His decision about whether we have children or how many children we have is always the right one (no matter how difficult accepting this might be). Children are a blessing from the Lord and we should seek His face regarding our desire for them. But we must never let having children take first place in our lives. God is completely trustworthy, forever faithful and a comfort in times of trouble. What He allows or brings into my life is good and I can rest knowing that He is sovereign over all of my life and the lives of those I love. I must let go of my fears for their lives and safety and put my trust in God, who loves and is sovereign over them.

Tag? Accckkkkk....what do I say?

2007-01-06T20:55:00.000-05:00

Heather Ruthie Roo, who writes http://adwenfluff.blogspot.com tagged me to write six weird things about me. The question is, which six wierd things should I use? Hmmmm...

According to the rules... Each player of this game starts with the "6 Weird Things about You". People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says 'you are tagged' in their comments and tell them to read your blog!"

1. I am terrified of backing out of a parking space when it puts my car in a nose down position and I am driving our car with the manual transmission. I'm convinced I cannot get the car in gear fast enough to avoid rolling..and that I will roll into trees, buildings, other cars, that might be in front of me. I'm such a baby about this that when my husband parks the car in our complex on such an incline I beg him to back the car out for me.

2. I thoroughly enjoy pulling hairs from my body by the roots. I can't tell you just how satisfying it is to pull that unsightly (or not so unsightly) hair out of my skin.

3. When my stomach is queasy, at least when it's from pregnancy, the food I can most easily eat is Mexican food. To me, Mexican food is comfort food and always feels good in the stomach. Ahhh, Chili Burros, Sour Cream Enchiladas....Tacos!!

4. I can come up with an endless supply of nicknames for people and animals (stuffed or alive) that I love. Example: Buddy Rumples Bootie Man Mister Bu-boy buns buns Fuzzy Wuzzy was a Mister Bu-boy tushy tush....now about that fetish....

5. I HATE cooked celery! That vegetable is ONLY good raw. Cooked celery is disgusting and ruins whatever dish it is cooked in.

6. I believe any food can be improved with one of three things: garlic, cheese, or chocolate!

Unfortunately I do not know of anyone I know who currently has a blog that hasn't already been tagged... Hmmmm...could I talk someone into the blogosphere by tagging them??? Let's see! I'm tagging David and Anne W. of Ft. Wayne, Tracy A., Christi B., Holly W., and Jen F.

Where to from here?

2006-12-19T13:50:00.000-05:00

So much has happened since my last post. Our family has finally regained good health after several colds which followed the stomach virus Millie had. It is so good to be healthy and enjoy the blessings of the Christmas season. We have started some new traditions, such as going through an advent calendar with Millie (which tells the Christmas story in lines of poetry), memorizing the Christmas story from Luke 1-2, and listening to lots of Christmas music. We usually make gingerbread cookies for Christmas, but with all my bustling about making Christmas gifts and Royce's graduation from Southern Seminary...that seems to have fallen by the wayside. I still have hopes of getting cookies made, but we'll see how that pans out. We decided to make most of our Christmas presents this year, which has saved us a lot of money and given me a great deal of joy. I really am enjoying the crafts I am making for family Christmas gifts. Millie and I had a blast going through the craft store and finding things to make for gifts (even with her being up past her bedtime!). There's just something about getting my creative juices flowing that has made this Christmastime so pleasant. Going through the Advent calendar with Millie has also brought me great joy as I remember God sending his Son Jesus in the flesh for my salvation. I'm beginning to really understand what grace is and how to live in it. I have much more to learn, but the taste I have had of it recently has really lifted a burden of guilt that I had been carrying around. Seminary graduation kept us busy as well. Royce got his final assignments finished, including a take-home final exam, a few days before Thanksgiving. We then had to figure out who was coming to the graduation ceremony and try to find out the details so that Royce would have all loose ends tied up and be in the right place at the right time for the ceremony. We enjoyed the graduation reception that the Mohler's hosted at their home the day before graduation. I always enjoy going into Dr. Mohler's library (which takes up the entire basement of the large residence that is the President's home) and drooling over his extensive collection.

Top Ten Best Things About Having a Child with a Stomach Virus

2006-10-18T21:15:00.000-04:00

Our Millie Anne has been sick since Friday of last week. It started with diarrhea, then we added vomiting Saturday and Sunday. The diaper disasters keep on comin'! Because the Bible says, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, Rejoice!" I've decided to count the blessings of this time.

They are:

10.)Saving money on baby food,

9.) Triple flusher diapers,

8.) Testing the quality of my plastic pants (those Bummi Whisper pants can take a punch!),

7.) Quickening my reflexes (how fast can I dash out of the way of flying vomit!),

6.) More time for household projects (she sleeps a lot),

5.) Learning endurance and patience with an upset baby,

4.) Satisfaction in helping a little one feel better (and having them fall asleep in your arms),

3.) More cuddling with Millie (she's a top-notch hugger!),

2.) Greater reliance on God (please don't let her vomit again, God, Please!),

AND

1.) Realizing you absolutely LOVE being a mother!

Praise be to God for His indescribable gifts (the chief of which is salvation from my sins and grace of eternal life with Him)!

Blessings from God

2006-10-08T15:57:00.000-04:00

Today is a beautiful fall day here in Kentucky. The temperature is moderate, the sun is out, and there is a slight breeze wafting through the trees. Our maple trees have changed color, as have the oak trees. The burning bush at the end of our street is beginning to show it's fall glow. We missed church today due to another round of colds for Royce and I, but we have been blessed by a wonderful day nonetheless. We had a good breakfast of eggs and sausage, by God's grace. Millie Anne has been able to eat well due to the providence of God in some baby food given to us by a mom from our church. She was given an overabundance of baby food from someone closing a day care. I am so thankful that God continues to show Himself faithful to us and providentially caring for our needs. Money is tight right now, but we have enough. God is good to us in so many ways. We are learning to let go of material things and make Him our highest priority. We have not been able to contribute monetarily to charities, but God has allowed us to purge our excess material wealth through the Vietnam Veterans of America, Cedar Lake Lodge (a center for children and young adults with disabilities) and Goodwill.
Today we enjoyed watching Millie Anne learn to walk, play with bubbles floating bright in the afternoon sun, and see her figure out how to gnaw on a biter biscuit. She is so joyful when she is learning something new or is getting the opportunity to test her abilities. Thank the Lord for an eager learner. Millie has not sprouted any teeth as of yet, but she is a good eater. We feel blessed that we have been given such a pleasant child, who is a continual reminder of God's grace to us. And that's not just in the good times, His grace is evident when I am struggling not to lose my temper with Millie or when we are trying to figure out how to care for her when she is hurting.
Royce is almost done with seminary and it is exciting to see him completing his course work for the final class of his seminary career. We are praying for God's direction in how to use this education for His glory. The last two years have been difficult in terms of searching for a ministry. It does not seem as though we are getting anywhere with it. Royce has candidated at just three churches, and we have yet to get past the second Sunday at any church. We are not sure if that is because we have not candidated at the church that God wants us to serve or if it is because He doesn't want us in vocational ministry. Yet God is faithful and his purposes for us are good. We continue to explore our options for employment post-graduation. Royce is looking into various archival and government positions. The hope is that we will be able to find secular employment that would allow Royce to take any size church. Student loans and now a car loan loom before us. We must face our responsibilities for those as well as our living expenses. This year has taught us we can live on much less than we had thought. But, we also know that there are certain inescapable financial obligations which necessitate a job change. Patience and persistence seem to be the name of the game!
We are also dealing with the reality of our fertility challenges. The hope that my GP gave me that my body would "reset itself" post-baby has not come about. I am just as irregular as I ever was. We will have to use fertility drugs (or some sort of fertility treatment) to conceive our children. It is a challenge emotionally, physically and spiritually to deal with this issue and pursue ethical options. Hopefully some blood work I had done this past Friday will reveal what is causing my problems. I was encouraged by my OBGYN that conception for us will be easier since we have succeeded once before. The words of the Psalmist remind me that God knows our days before they come to be and He knows when/if other children will come.
Enough ruminations for now, I must enjoy the rest of this beautiful fall day!

Growing in grace

2006-10-06T17:56:00.000-04:00

This fall I joined a women's mentoring group at my church and we are going through Bryan Chapell's book Holiness by Grace: delighting in the joy that is our strength. The group is called Continuing in Christ and we meet from 4-6pm on Wednesdays. We spend part of our time in small groups of 4 women, one of which is older and the mentor for the other three women. The other part of our time we spend as a group of twelve. This is sort of a "pilot" group to see if this is something the church wants to do with all of it's women. It is such a blessing to be able to participate in this, especially since Royce and I don't know how much longer we'll be living here. The timing of this study is evidence of God's grace in my life. I have been struggling with legalism and perfectionism for a large portion of my life. I understand justification by grace, but practically living that out and understanding how we are sanctified by grace is something my mind has not wrapped around yet. By God's patient teaching and His work through this study I think that I am finally beginning to understand what it means to live in His grace. I know that it is only by God's grace in the work of Jesus Christ on the cross that I am saved. I know that I cannot earn my salvation, yet once I was saved I didn't know how to live in God's grace. I still felt guilty for and plagued by my sins and a desperate desire to please God...to get Him to like me. Sounds weird. I wanted to obey God, which is good, but I have been motivated by guilt and fear of disapproval rather than love for God. I'm not sure why this is so hard for me to understand. God has given me everything I have, and my salvation is His work alone. My ability to obey Him is from Him. I cannot compell God to love me nor can I pay Him back for what He did for me in Christ. My relationship with God is maintained by Him, not by my works/acts of obedience. I am right with Him because of the finished work of Jesus on my behalf, and Jesus said "If you love me, you will keep my commandments." in John 14:15. It is by grace I have been saved, through faith, and this not of myself (lest I should boast). It is so freeing to know that because of Jesus, I am right with God. And further, that my obedience is something I am to do because I love God (not because it gets me anything). I am to obey God as a loving response to His love for me, not as an attempt to pacify or ingratiate myself with Him. What do I have that I did not receive? (1 Cor. 4:7) What can I give to God, that isn't already His? How can I obligate God to do anything (and thus make Him indebted to me)? (Job 41:11, Romans 11:35). I am hopeful that I will be marked by the joy of the Lord, and not by guilty striving towards perfection. Thank God that He is at work in my to transform me into the likeness of His Son. Praise Him for His unending patience and lovingkindness towards me.

Aches and pains

2006-08-28T15:12:00.000-04:00

Today we all seem to be dealing with aches and pains. Millie Anne is dealing with some unpleasant constipation and teething pain. She started having problems with the constipation last night, and I think it has something to do with Saturday. Saturday we went to look at cars to find a replacement for my Saturn. Millie spent a large portion of the day (at least 2 hours in the stroller or in a lap). We were at the dealership longer than anticipated and I gave her a couple of crackers that had a little peanut butter on them. I'm not sure if it was the lower than normal amount of physical activity or the peanut butter that constipated her. I ended up giving her a suppository last night, because she was just so miserable and needed sleep. This morning I gave her prunes to "finish" the job. She still had trouble early this afternoon and so I plan to give her more prunes (unless her post-nap diaper change is productive). Royce is finding keeping up with his homework a pain and has been having trouble with sore feet for monthes. He was able to make good progress in that department today, however.
Myself, I have a huge headache. It's been off and on since Friday. I thought it was having my hair up, but taking my hair down didn't fix it. Perhaps the weather is to blame. We had a huge rain storm last night. It's still overcast, so maybe we have more storm left to come. But, at least I'm in my pre-pregnancy jeans! My house is in reasonable order and I'm ahead of schedule on my day's work.
I'm looking forward to a long weekend away. We're spending Labor Day weekend with Royce's folks. Hopefully his Dad will be amiable and cooperating with his doctor's health recommendations. Millie should enjoy seeing her grandparents!

Five Things

2006-08-25T15:41:00.000-04:00

Let's see...

5 Things in my Freezer

1. Whirled peas in ice cube trays
2. Grease in a Maxwell House Christmas can
3. Chocolate
4. Pizza
5. Peach fruit pops

5 Things in my Closet

1. Plumbing snake
2. First purse (off-white corduroy)
3. Rubbermaid full of maternity clothes
4. Queen size comforters (2)
5. Picture frames

5 Things in my Car

1. Infant car seat (in trunk), Convertible car seat (back seat)
2. Bottle warmer
3. Cardboard sun shades
4. 80's music on cassettes
5. Big Red gum

5 Things in my Purse

1. Peanut butter crackers
2. Tissues
3. Wallet
4. Baby food coupons
5. Planner

5 Things in my Diaper Bag

1. A & D diaper cream
2. Baby blanket
3. Change of clothes
4. Toys
5. a few Cheerios

Hey, Adwen ...where's your list?

The end of the road

2006-08-24T15:04:00.000-04:00

I purchased my first car in April of 2000, a 1992 Saturn SL2 I decided to call Sally. Sally is the lietenant in charge of defense for a group of aliens visiting earth in the sitcom Third Rock from the Sun, she's a "big angry virgin, and proud of that!" Third Rock from the Sun was my favorite sitcom in 2000 and it seemed to fit my new car just fine. At the time I was just getting to know my now husband Royce Hunt and he had agreed to take me to the place where I would pick up Sally from her previous owners. It was Royce who helped me learn how to handle the clutch, but it was Sally who taught me how to drive her. She put on a little yellow arrow on the dash when I needed to shift her gears. She would protest when I did something wrong, but she did more than that during our drives together. Sally is a fun, sporty looking navy blue car. She was a great first car, and got me from the last days of my undergraduate degree at Cedarville College, through graduate school in Lexington, and finally to the first monthes as a mother. She also saved my life. On one drive back to Lexington after visiting family and friends over the Thanksgiving break 2000, I fell asleep at Sally's wheel with her cruise control on. Sally veared into the far left lane and then into the gardrail. When I woke up, I was sailing backwards across 3 or 4 busy lanes of Interstate highway traffic. I landed with a thud in a ditch, stopping just a few feet from flowing water. Two cars stopped and one of them took me to the nearest exit where I called AAA Roadside assistance for a tow truck to pull Sally out of the mud. When the driver of that car dropped me back at my car, a police officer was stopped at my car. He had already called for a tow truck and allowed me to wait in his car. My first time in the back seat of a police cruiser! Boy was I glad it wasn't because I was on my way downtown! :-) Soon the tow truck arrived, pulled Sally out of the ditch and I was able to drive her on to my destination. From that day onward I remembered to stop when I got tired, drink lots of fluids while traveling to necessitate frequent stops which would keep me awake and alive. I didn't want to put Sally to another test. Later in 2001 I found out why Sally didn't go sailing into oncoming traffic that day. Sally the Saturn's main exhaust pipe had caught on the guard rail and been strong enough to propel her back accross traffic and into the ditch. I was replacing Sally's muffler and the technician showed me the bend in my exhaust pipe where it had caught the guard rail. Thank God for strong exhaust pipes and His grace to me that evening!
Sally's been part of my adventures in fun ways as well. It was Sally that I drove backwards through the McDonald's drive thru to order some water (Royce didn't think I'd do it)! Sally the Saturn carried a frightened male tabby cat (Buddy) to his new homes in Kentucky from his birthplace in South Vienna, Ohio. He later loved to ride in her, even though it usually meant he was seeing the vet. Sally later brought a terrified female calico Siamese cat (Skittles) and her four kittens from the same South Vienna, Ohio home to my home in Kentucky. Skittles never learned to enjoy riding in Sally, but Sally was a good sport about cat food all over her backseat and kitty vomit on her floor. Sally was with me when I got my first apartment, my first television set, and my first (and best) love (Royce). Sally also met Harry, a white Toyota Echo. They traveled together the last five years, loving every bit of it. She took me to my first real job out of school and took me home to my best job yet (motherhood).
Sally has a kickin' heater and a sense of fun. We've enjoyed driving down the highways, country roads, and city streets together. Sally and I have cruised with her radio blaring and her lights going. We've loved life's journey over the past 6 years. But our time together is drawing to a close.
Sally's been out to pasture for the last two years really. She's need lots of repair and yet kept on going. She took Royce to work these last few monthes and it was in doing this that she made her last ride. August 18th, Friday, of this year (2006) she was taking Royce home from work when her little ignition system gave out and she puttered to a halt after sailing down a hill on Grinstead Drive, a few blocks from home. Try as he might, Royce could not rescucitate her. Yesterday she was towed to Saturn of Louisville where they pronounced her repairs in excess of her monetary worth. Saturday we go to say goodbye to Sally the Saturn and send her on to the happy highways of car heaven (shut up you over-serious types out there!). Then it will be the end of the road for Sally the Saturn. She's had quite a ride! It was fourteen years of driving the streets, roads, lanes and highways of Ohio, Kentucky and Indiana. I'll always love my first car and think of her fondly, telling of her to my children. And I'll tell them their mother is a silly, sentimental fool who once cried over a car.

Tales from the teething ward...

2006-07-18T14:09:00.000-04:00

Teething...that period of parental insanity that seems to never end (at least during the phase where there are no teeth showing yet). I am discovering just how much of a control freak I am by going through this first year of motherhood. I want to make things happen "when they are supposed to", like teeth, rolling over, drinking from a cup, crawling, etc. However I keep bumping my head up against the fact that people are the ultimate variable. There is a typical time for things to happen, but never a definite time when things happen. Each person is unique in more and more ways, if my experience with Millie Anne is any indication. I find myself grinding my teeth and talking through clenched jaws because I cannot make Millie's teething pain go away nor can I make her teeth come through. It seems like she has been "teething" for nearly 7 months now. Perhaps it's been just baby fussies not teething per se, but I hate the "all show and no go". Any ideas on how I can relax and just wait for Millie's right time to have teeth(crawl, use a cup, etc.)? It's really stupid to get all worked up trying to control things that I cannot control. How does one deprogram a control freak? I think I have reached a new level of insanity... I have been admitted to the teething ward.

Flexibility and resilience

2006-06-30T09:34:00.000-04:00

Those are two key parts of being a wife (or a husband for that matter). Part of learning to live and love together involves being flexible with one's desires and plans. It also means having the resilience to get through the less than pleasant circumstances that life sometimes throws at you. As a Christian, I know that there are no coincidences and God has a purpose in everything. When rubber meets the road, I need to learn what it means to trust in the sovereignty of God no matter what my circumstances look like. It's all well and good to talk about the sovereignty of God when life is sunny and wonderful. It is quite another thing to talk about the sovereignty of God when life is cloudy and getting darker.
I'm sure every woman who wants to get married and finds the one she was meant for goes into marriage with certain ideas about what her married life will look like and the wonderful things that will happen to her and her man as husband and wife. Mine was to live in a cheerful little house with a beautiful garden, swing set out back, and perhaps that green hedge around the property. My husband would go off to work in the morning after a delicious breakfast lovingly prepared by me, and I would spend my day making a beautiful home and raising delightful children. He would come home in time for dinner and we would spend happy evenings together. Money would never be scarce and he would love his job. Our children would be able to participate in there interests such as dance, music, sports or other hobbies. We would be able to take fun and family enriching vacations. We would live close enough to our families that our children would be close to their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Realistically I knew that this would not all take place, and that what did would take time to realize. Even so, I was looking at married life through at least slightly rose colored glasses. I have realized that we need to be careful how much we dream up for ourselves. The Bible says in the book of Proverbs that many are the plans of a man's heart, but the Lord directs his steps. It is ultimately God's decision what happens in our lives and His plans for us are always better than what we dream up for ourselves. Contentment in the life God gives us is crucial. Sometimes it is very hard to understand what God is doing with us and how He is using our circumstances for good and for His glory. Yet, I have found solace in the Old Testament book of Job. Job was tested by having all he owned and all he held dear taken from him. While he agonized over his sudden change of circumstances and asked God why this should happen to him, he never lost his faith in God. He held onto the belief that God is good and gracious. He entrusted himself to God and refused to "curse God and die" as his wife told him to do. No, his reply was "You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" (Job 2:10) If we truly believe that God is God, than we must accept all that He brings our way and trust Him in it. About a year ago Dr. Bruce Ware preached on the sovereignty of God and I learned a lot from that sermon. He said that we must believe: God is infinitely Wise, God is Sovereign (He has absolute power), and God loves His children with an overwhelming love. Never doubt God's sovereignty, trust fully God's character and rest in the infinite wisdom, almighty power and overwhelming love of God when some evil comes. Isaiah 45:5-7 offers some profound truth about God's sovereignty in all circumstances "I am the Lord, and there is no other; besides Me there is no God. I will gird you, though you have not known Me; that men may know from the rising to the setting of the sun that there is no one besides Me. I am the Lord, and there is no other, the One forming light and creating darkness, causing well-being and creating calamity; I am the Lord who does all these."
So every wife and husband must be flexible, recognizing circumstances are controlled by God and not ourselves. We must also be resilient, not letting our difficult circumstances cause us to waver in our commitment to each other nor to falter in our faith in God.
"How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stand in the path of sinners,
nor sit in the seat of scoffers!
But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and in His law he meditates day and night.
He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in its season
and its leaf does not wither;
and in whatever he does, he prospers.
The wicked are not so,
but they are like chaff which the wind drives away.
Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
For the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish." ~Psalm 1.

The tummy is the last to go...

2006-06-29T17:31:00.000-04:00

..when it comes to pregnancy and the postpartum body. It is the tummy that is the last confirmation that you are pregnant and then it stubbornly hangs onto your figure after delivery for an obscene amount of time. My tummy has definitely outstayed its welcome. I was ready to be rid of it months ago! I've done Pilates, walked miles and miles, and still it hangs on. The question is, will my body ever completely get "back in shape"? Do childless women have a fundamental advantage over mothers? I know that my uterus will never be the same, as with the rest of my reproductive organs. But, does the rest of my body permanently change as well? This is something they never warn you about in those cutesy pink mother-to-be books. Even the Girlfriend's Guide doesn't fully warn you about the extent of the postpartum "getting-back-my-old-body" period. It seems like it is taking an unreasonable length of time to get back to "normal". And it's not just my tummy. My metabolism is functioning differently and my sleep patterns have definitely changed. My digestive track seems to be beating a new path as well. I frequent the ladies' more often than I wish, and points south just feel different. For the first time in my life I cannot, I repeat cannot, take a nap. Nor can I go back to sleep once I'm awake in the morning (tired or not). Will this stop at some point? I mean shouldn't I be used to motherhood after 8 months? At least the middle of the night run for the toity has ceased.
All expectant and hopeful mothers-to-be beware, if you do not religiously do your Kegels postpartum...life is going to be very frustrating. Believe your childbirth class instructor/gynecologist/girlfriend when she tells you that without doing your daily Kegels your love life and your relationship to the ladies' room will see a dramatic change for the worse. As for the tummy, is there a regimen for exercising that area to get it to flatten out nicely? Anything that will speed it's return to normal? I understand that the skin will take a while to get back to the right size, but surely the underlying muscle can be encouraged to move back faster?
As for the cute little number that the scale says in the morning, does that automatically go up after having a baby? Is it reasonable to expect that number to return to your pre-pregnancy number or would that be forcing too much? I am the first to say that the number on the scale does not tell the whole story about one's health or physical fitness. However, I do want to avoid copping out on the battle of the bulge. Do I accept a higher number because that's what my body should be doing, or is that giving up because the going happens to be tough?
When I anticipated motherhood there were two things that I did not want to happen to me. First was I did not want to become one of those mothers who added weight along with each child (that is, her waist and hip lines increases with each increase in her family size). Second, I do not want to be one of those mothers who lets her mind turn to mush because all she puts into it is baby talk, children's television programs, and the books that she reads to her kids. My mind must stay active and my learning must continue beyond where it was pre-baby. There should be no going backwards in mind growth. My intellectually horizons should be expanding, and having children is no excuse to let it recede. Both of these things are challenging me right now, but I am determined not to give up the fight. These things matter to me, and all full-time moms everywhere ought to care to continue this struggle as well. We cannot let ultra-feminists accurately describe us as fat and stupid. And that's my thoughts for today, more ruminations later!

Reasons I love my man...

2006-05-27T16:47:00.000-04:00

My husband is Royce Allen Hunt and we have been married for nearly four years. I love him more than I could possibly say with words...but never the less I want to try.
I love my man...
for the cute way the hair on the top of his head curls,
for the way he tries to flatten it out (and the look on his face when he does it),
for the way he listens to me (even when I'm going on and on and on about something),
because he volunteers to change (and clean up after [we use cloth diapers]) poopy diapers,
for the way he runs his hands through my hair for ever so long (although he might be tired of it, but knows I really really like it),
for the way he looks in navy blue or army green pants,
for the way he knows when I need a hug,
because he lets me cry when I need to,
because he brings out the best in me,
for the way he gently corrects me when I'm wrong,
for God giving me such a considerate man...when I can be very inconsiderate,
for the weird inside jokes we have together,
because I can be myself around him all the time,
because he reminds me of Mr. Rogers,
because it's me he likes, the way I am right now, the way down deep inside me,
because I see God in him,
the way he gets excited about something he's discovered reading his Greek New Testament,
for the way he holds me when I'm scared or just when I'm falling asleep,
for the many times he runs out for the ice cream or chocolate I've just "got to have",
because he's not normal and is delightfully weird,
for the way he repeatedly says "Okay" or "Alright" when he's flustered,
for the way he frequently says "Oops!",
for the way he regularly helps around the house without being asked,
for the way he empathizes with the pain of others (as if he feels it himself),
for the way he loves our little girl, Millie Anne,
because he laughs at my jokes (even when I'm telling it for the 100th time!),
because he massages my sore spots when he's just as sore and tired,
for the way his glasses are always sliding down his nose,
because he likes to read,
because he doesn't get into sports (I don't have to vie for his attention on Monday nights, etc.),
for the way he can just look at me and I am enveloped in his love,
because he likes the way I look, even (perhaps especially) when I don't,
for the gentle way he confronts others/deals with conflict or concerns,
because he almost always listens to both sides of a story before forming an opinion,
because he's handy around the house,
because he knows how to fix cars,
because he's good with computers,
for the way he lights up when I cook or bake something for him,
for the way he thinks through current issues of the day,
because he give people the benefit of the doubt when I'm upset with them,
for the little hairs on his fingers,
...and so many more reasons!

Am I entitled to my opinion?

2006-05-17T10:26:00.000-04:00

I have a bone to pick with society today. With the emphasis on individualism and politically correct speech, it seems like having an opinion is fast becoming the ultimate social faux pas. No, you say, today you can think whatever you want. But, can you really? If I were to honestly state my opinion about what color is the best by saying "I think red is the best color!" someone would quickly say, "But you have to remember not everyone's favorite color is red. Some people think other colors are the best." Does this mean that by stating that I think red is the best color it forbids others from thinking differently? If I like red and say as much, am I by default saying that everyone should like red? No, I am simply saying that I think red is the best color (everyone is free to disagree). By stating my honest opinion about color, I am not automatically stating that opinion is an absolute truth.

Perhaps that is the problem. People no longer acknowledge a difference between one's opinion and truth, they are now one and the same. However, there is a profound difference between personal opinion and absolute truth. Personal opinion is what one person thinks to be true. Absolute truth is what is true for all people, no matter what each one thinks. To state my personal opinion, then, is different from stating something to be true for everyone. Because of today's prevailing view that all truth is relative to the individual, personal opinion is effectively disallowed. Personal opinion equals truth, but it must not be stated as truth but very carefully as my own truth only (it is only true for me or at least apologize to those who disagree). Take my original opinion statement "I think red is the best color!" The response of many people would be to remind me that other opinions (other truth) exists and I must always acknowledge this explicitly. So, I must state my opinion about color in something like this "I think red is the best color, but I know that not everyone likes red and it's okay to think another color is the best. Red is just my best color not necessarily anyone else's, feel free to make another color the best color for you." Suddenly, my statement that "I think red is the best color" is apologized into meaninglessness. I have to be so careful to state my opinion in a non-offending or imposing way that I end up saying nothing about what I think of color. This is nonsense. Why can't people take my statement "I think red is the best color" at face value? All I am saying is that I THINK red is the best color. Period. Don't hear what I am not saying. Whether everyone in society acknowledges it or not, absolute truth exists and it is not the same thing as personal opinion. When we deny the existence of absolute truth and make each person's opinion truth, we end up with destroying each person's right to have their own opinion. Effectively, the distinction between absolute truth and personal opinion is obliterated and we end up fighting over stupid things instead of allowing everyone to have their opinion. When we acknowledge that there is absolute truth and it is not the same as personal opinion, we free each person to have their opinion. If I were making a statement of truth rather than opinion about color, I would say "Red is the best color" rather than stating "I think red is the best color" which would be my personal opinion. Thus, absolute truth includes things that are true universally (for all people) like "Oxygen is needed for breathing", "God is", "Death is inevitable" etc. Personal opinion includes things that are true for the individual stating them like "I think red is the best color", "I think Weight Watchers is a great weight loss method", "I don't think peanut butter sandwiches go with chili, I prefer something with cheese rather than peanut butter", and "I think sporks are useless eating utensils" etc.

But the problem is more than just that the existence of absolute truth is widely refuted. The problem also includes the fact that many people assume things about other people when personal opinions are stated, reading more into the statement than is actually said. I am frustrated that many seem to expect that I not only say what I am saying, but also what I am not saying. Conversations would be tediously long if we all had to do this. If every time I said something I had to also say what I was not saying, it would take forever just to have a simple conversation. Take the original simple statement of opinion "I think red is the best color". If I had to say that along with what I am not saying like "I'm not saying other people will agree that it is the best color. I'm not saying you cannot think another color is the best color. I'm not saying all other colors are bad. I'm not even saying I will always think that red is the best color. I'm not saying that I don't like any other colors....etc." then either conversation would be much longer or we would all say much less because it would mean saying much more than a simple statement of opinion. Doesn't it make much more sense to take people's words at face value?

Another favorite tactic I've experienced in society today is picking apart another person's statements till there's nothing left of them. That is, requiring such precision in an expression of personal opinion that one might have to spend large portions of the day just thinking of how to say what I think. For example, if I gave my opinion but didn't preface it with "I think" or conclude it with "in my personal opinion" then I did it wrong. Or, someone might take my statement "I think red is the best color" and say that I should have said "Red is my favorite color". If we value individualism as much as we say we do, then let me speak in my own individual style and I also let you speak in your own individual style. Let's stop picking each other's words apart. Perhaps we could all, when we aren't sure if we just heard a statement of opinion or a statement of fact, pause to determine what the face value of the words are and if we are still unclear ask questions rather than making accusations or criticisms of the person who spoke. That makes good sense, in my opinion.

Rainy Days

2006-05-11T11:27:00.000-04:00

What do you do with a rainy day? Where I live, we are expecting to have more than a week's worth of rainy days in a row. So, rather than be miserable about the lack of sunshine, I want to find ways to rejoice in the raindrops. This morning I read my Bible on my front porch and marveled at the way the clouds rolled across the sky. It is amazing the variety of shapes and shades of grey one can find in the clouds. After breakfast and watching the morning news, I took my daughter outside and showed her the rain. I explained that the rain is helping things to grow, like trees, flowers, vines, bushes and other things. She was delighted to watch the wind moving the trees and to play in my arms. We danced in the rain and played her current favorite game (upside down baby) on the porch.
Rainy days are good for many things, my favorite being reading a good book curled up with a cup of hot tea, coffee or cocoa. Next best thing is to go puddle jumping, something else I told my little girl about. She loves to splash away in her bath, so I'm sure she would enjoy splashing in the puddles. Since she'd just had a bath, I decided to wait for another rainy day to go puddle jumping. Rainy days are great days to be productive indoors as well. I love to bake on rainy days, and I may very well bake some cookies, bread or cake today. Cleaning out closets and decluttering hotspots (see Flylady link for the definition of a hotspot) is another great use of a rainy day. Rainy days are great days for dreaming, writing poetry or sharing laughter with friends.
God has given us both the rainy days and the sunny days for our enjoyment and for glorifying Him. What else can I do with a rainy day?? I can praise God for His creation, share my love for Him with others, go out and plant or tend to a garden, and many other things that reflect the glory of God. Sure, rainy days can be days where you feel blue and cry. But there are many positive and uplifting things that can be done with a rainy day. Many indoor activities are amplified by rain outside. Take visiting a museum for example. I find an art or history museum particularly satisfying on a rainy day...I'm not sure why, but it works. It seems as though it is easier to concentrate on the displays and they are more fascinating when I can hear rain outside and I know that the sun is not out. When the sun comes out, I find myself thinking of spending time in it rather than enjoying what is inside (no matter how nice the inside thing might be).
So what do you do with a rainy day?

TV and a social life

2006-05-10T15:29:00.000-04:00

For a Stay-At-Home mom to have a social life, it means making the effort to get involved in things outside the home. It also means keeping in touch with family and friends via phone, e-mail or even snail mail, right? Well, sometimes the day gets away with us SAHMs and before we know it the evening hours have arrived. We are tired, wanting some companionship and wanting to do something that does not require much effort. This is where TV creaps in. TV is company, entertainment and effortless all wrapped into one. But sometimes it is also a very lonely thing, a thing that drives away friends and leaves us feeling even more lonely than when we first turned it on to stave off lonely feelings or provide companionship. My husband works second shift, so I am home with just my daughter in the evenings. We have just one working car, so going out in the evening requires some juggling and usually doesn't happen. So, this leaves a social life involving what is within walking distance (and can include my daughter) or calling someone on the phone. Often I have turned on the TV rather than make the effort to call a friend or walk over to a neighbor's apartment.
Last night I realized that I am profoundly lonely and I had a good cry. I need to get a social life. I have let TV substitute for a social life and instead of companionship I feel more lonely. I usually turn the TV on when I have my lunch, around 6 o'clock in the evening. From there it is easy to leave it on till my husband gets home around 11:15. Calling friends at 6 doesn't seem good, because I'm eating and they may be as well. So, how do I make myself turn it off and call friends before it is too late at night to do so? Should I leave the TV off and eat in silence or with a CD or the radio playing? Or, can I discipline myself enough to turn it off after feeding Millie her bedtime bottle? Do I need to stop watching TV to force myself to call friends or go and get involved in activities with others? I don't like an all or nothing approach to TV but perhaps I am incapable of moderation right now. TV is not evil in and of itself, but is it bad for me personally? How much is too much and how much is reasonable? Perhaps I should set a timer or an alarm clock so I am reminded to turn off the TV and have interaction with people. Or, perhaps I need to have the TV off completely for a while. Then I could gradually add back TV as I can handle it. If I find I cannot just watch an hour or half hour here or there, do I have the guts to get rid of the TV? Perhaps I could try limiting TV to 2-3 evenings per week? Tuesdays and Thursdays have the majority of the shows I like, so I could keep TV to those nights. I need to try something and see what will help. I will try limiting TV to Tuesdays, Thursdays and one day on the weekend for now, and see how it goes. I plan to re-evaluate in a month. Perhaps this public commitment to a plan will help.

Adventures with carrots

2006-05-06T13:55:00.000-04:00

I love carrots, typically eating at least one every day. So, naturally, I want to feed them to my baby daughter Millie Anne. I bought an extra pound of raw carrots at the grocery and yesterday I decided to take on turning them into baby food. Simple task, right? All I had to do was peel and cut the carrots, put them in my steamer, steam for 20 minutes, whirl in the food processor and serve...or so I thought. After my timer buzzed, just as I finished giving Millie her lunchtime cereal (perfect timing, right?), I tried to food process the carrots to give Millie for her lunch. All I got was chopped carrots, I even tried adding some water. Oh, well. They just needed to steam longer. So, I gave Millie some pumpkin and moved on with the day. About 20 minutes later, I tried again. Same result, chopped carrot but not baby mashed consistency. I steamed the carrots for another HOUR before I pulled out the blender and blended the bejesus out of them. After getting what I thought was the right consistency, I fed some to Millie Anne. She made a face and began to choke...still little bits of chopped carrot hidden in the mash. CRaP Crap...double vomitous crap... I had to switch Millie to pumpkin yet again. By this time I was seething, cursing the stinking orange mess in the blender that was supposed to be easy baby food (or nearly so). Gerber sounded like a wonderful option and much better than slaving all day over some carrots! When I saw my husband later that day I begged to get Gerber carrots rather than go through the mess I had gone through. Mercifully he agreed. Sometimes doing it yourself just is not worth the hassle. Hopefully carrots are the exception when it comes to cooking down veggies for baby food.

Babies teach you suprising things

2006-04-20T11:14:00.000-04:00

I am a mother to a 6 month old baby girl (officially Tuesday April 25 is her 6 month mark) and I have been learning lots of things from her. For one, I have discovered just how selfish I can be. For instance, I sometimes react with "Oh crap! I want to watch more TV or read my book and she's woken up early from her nap crying..." rather than "What's wrong with my little girl? How can I make it better?" Or simply, she begins to cry while playing and I am annoyed by the sound rather than concerned for her well-being. I do not like this in myself, I would rather be the loving caring Mom I ought to be rather than the perfectionistic, sometimes self-focused person I am. On a more positive note, Millie has also been teaching me to take delight in small things. She smiles just to see my face at the crib or a brightly colored object or even her own hands. Ah, to delight in the simple things! I have moments where I am utterly thrilled with the smell of clean laundry or the fresh lemon scent of my bathroom cleaner this morning (which reminds me of the taste of a lemon Starburst candy). Sometimes the sunshine on green leaves fills me with joy to deep for words. And yet there are times when I am so caught up in the tasks and concerns of life that I need my little girl to remind me of the joy of simple things and the importance of relationships. She laughs when I laugh now and just the other day she turned her little head while on my shoulder and kissed my neck with a delightful wet kiss only an infant can give. My heart melted and such utter joy filled my heart that I felt life cannot get much better than this!
Millie is also endlessly curious. She loves to watch the mechanism of her swing work or the way the faucet works. She finds Daddy's puttering about the house fascinating. She likes to look at the shade on her stroller and on her carseat. The feel of different fabrics is profoundly interesting to her. God gave us children, I am convinced, to remind us of what is good and beautiful around us that we have pushed to the background of our conciousness but need to see afresh.

Baby's mood swings

2006-04-04T15:36:00.000-04:00

Something wierd happened today, or at least it struck me that way. My 5-month-old daughter Millie did something I didn't expect from someone her age. It happened when I fed her her lunch today. She eagerly took the portion of the bottle I gave her before I fed her cereal. But, when it came to taking the cereal she began to squirm, scream and cry inconsolably. I knew she would have a little bit of difficulty with this feeding since I was feeding her thicker cereal than she had had before, but still, I did not expect an all out temper tantrum. She would calm for a little while and then start up again when I put food in her mouth or trying to clean her face. She grabbed the bowl and got cereal all over her hand and was constantly sliding down in the highchair. I was beside myself to keep my temper in check. She also kept putting her hands to her face, as if it itched or perhaps to cover her mouth when she sneezed (which she had been doing). She eventually burped, which seemed to calm her some. After an hour and half she had her cereal finished (requiring the help of my sleepy husband to keep her calm) and we moved to the sofa for the rest of her bottle. She fussed a little but then took the bottle quite well and burped easily. She filled her diaper while drinking, which is typical of her, and then at the end of her bottle she began to giggle while she brought the bottle to her mouth and then pulled it out again. She was delighted to be able to do it for herself and seemed in a very jovial mood. Wierd!! Just a few minutes before she had been seemingly angry or upset, and now she was laughing!? So strange to see such a rapid mood change in someone so young. I guess that goes to show that rapid mood swings don't just happen with pregnant women, menstruating women or adults in general. I find myself exhausted and yet happy about her progress in holding her bottle too... Motherhood sure has it's unusual moments!

Babies, weather and wierdness...

2006-04-03T14:53:00.000-04:00

Life is filled with weird moments, and last night one of them happened to me. It all started as my husband and I were leaving church with our baby girl Millie in arms. It had just started to rain and we needed to get her into the car quickly without getting her wet (or at least as little as possible). This was the first time we had brought her into church without her carrier/car seat. It would figure that we would want the little awning on that carrier the first day we decide to leave it in the car. :-) But, we made the best of it by covering her with Royce's suit jacket and bringing the car as close to the door as possible. This may seem simple enough, nothing to strange about taking a baby through the rain to the car.
But, it was only the beginning of a series of storms that would come through our area that day. The rain began to pour steadily throughout the day, ruling out the family walk we had planned. Then, suddenly, around 10 PM a forceful wind began to blow through our neighborhood. It was blowing hard against our front door and we scrambled to close the windows we had opened to cool off our apartment. I hoped that Millie's window was closed, but (being fairly sure it was) did not want to wake her unnecessarily. As I made the coffee for Royce to take on his night shift doing security for the seminary, the tornado sirens began to sound nearby. It was not in the immediate vicinity, but still it sent chills up and down my spine. Normally I can handle tornados (or potential tornados) just fine. But this time was different. This time I had a 5 month old baby to protect. Our power went out twice in the space of 15 minutes and I began to pack Millie's diaper bag for an emergency run to the tornado shelter in the basement of a building across the parking lot in our apartment complex. I wanted to be able to warm, feed and comfort her if I had to rouse her from her crib and run for shelter. My husband was distressed that he could not stay and make sure we were safe. But he had to go protect the lifes of those living and working on the seminary campus last night. With assurances that I knew what I needed to do and checking the local news station for information on the storms coming through, he left for campus. I was watching the weather reports for a little while as I contemplated which of our two cats I would attempt to take with myself and my baby girl if we needed to seek shelter. As I drifted off to sleep, flashlight and clothes beside me, I decided I would attempt to carry Millie in the Snuglie pack on my chest and the two cats in each arm (with or without their carriers) if they could be caught fast enough.
This morning it struck me as odd, why was I thinking about which cat to save? Is this sort of like who would you throw off a sinking boat? Why were my thoughts growing so morbid or certainly quite serious? Was the threat real? Probably not. Would I even think about the cats if there was a tornado headed our way? I'm really not sure. Would there be time to catch them if I did think of them? Good question. They would probably try to hide under furniture and be very difficult to catch. I'm not even sure I could get their carriers down from the high closet shelf very easily. Could I carrier two frightened and squirmy kitties along with having a frightened baby strapped to my chest and lug a diaper bag too? It seems so bazaar, so dramatic. Perhaps I am a drama queen, or perhaps I just enjoy the adrenaline rush that comes with the thought of rescuing or protecting someone or something. What is reassuring is that I was not thinking about all the stuff I wanted to save from a tornado, but the lives under my care. My need to purge hoarded stuff is a topic for another day...

Why would I want to be like everyone else?

2006-04-01T08:18:00.000-05:00

I believe everyone is unique. Whether they let themselves be unique is another question entirely. Many of us go through life trying to conform to what our peers have decided is good or "cool" (fill in the current term for popular here), only to discover that this is not possible for us to accomplish. Rather than mope about in futility, trying to be "normal" I have decided to be who I am and that means: unique, different (yes, even wierd). Life is much happier, I've discovered, when you find out who God made you to be and just be that person. To heck with those who think they know what is good or pretty or funny. I'm tired of those pretentious souls who see it as their mission in life to make others feel they must conform to their idea of what to wear, what to do and what to say.
Lest you think this is just another nonconformist rant, I do believe there are things to which everyone ought to conform. Such as breathing oxygen, eating non-poisonous things, having good manners etc. and answer to God (whether one acknowledges Him or not, answering to Him is unavoidable).
Being unique does not make you friendless, contrary to what those "popular people" tell you. On the contrary, you have more real, genuine friendships than you would ever have conforming to the popular ideas of the day. People can like you for who you really are, not just what you pretend to be in order to "fit in." Those who would reject or criticize you for being who God made you (and this doesn't mean being a jerk) are not worth your time. There will always be people who do not like you for one reason or another (or even no reason at all). Ultimately, as long as God is happy with you; nothing else matters. God is the only one who has a consistent opinion anyway! People are changeable and fickle, especially women (I should know, I'm a woman!).
The thing about this is, there are people who should know better than to criticize others for being unique and unaverage and yet they persist in tearing down those who do not reflect the typical or average. Case in point, my husband was recently singled out by someone for being different than the typical or average seminary student in the way he reads and preaches. This person roundly criticized him for it. I was truly amazed and think that the person should know better than to impose his jock herd mentality on others, and should know that God made us all unique with our own personal style. Some things are just part of who we are and are neither right nor wrong. From talking to others who have heard my husband read and preach it is pretty clear that this is this particular person's personal problem with my husband and not (at least to the same degree) shared by most others. It is pretty clear from our history with this person that he had thought my husband and I were weird from the day he met us. Fine, I readily accept the title of wierd. What I reject is the notion that it must be changed automatically and cannot be appreciated. I believe unique is good and average or popular is boring. To conform to what everyone else is doing is to demonstrate that you cannot think for yourself (in fact, that you do not dare to do so). How sad.