Conversation styles and the element of persuasion

Communication today is complicated by more than just the lack of clarity in statement types (see previous post). Another factor that causes tension and poor communication is difference in conversation style. Many people do not realize there are different styles of conversing and not everyone uses the same one. I didn't realize how strikingly different these could be until I was in graduate school. It happened at an Intervarsity Christian Fellowship meeting one Saturday night. I came across a very blunt, debating style in another IVFer that Saturday. It was off-putting and I found myself clamming up. Fortunately one of the other IVFers took me aside and explained that many people enjoy debating ideas back and forth as a normal way of communicating with others. Those with this style do not intentionally try to shut the other party(ies) in the conversation up but enjoy the intellectual stimulation of batting ideas around. Many with this style want to hear other's perspectives and engage in debating conversation to entertain and edify themselves. True, some of those with a debating style do try to steamroll others into silence and a seeming yielding to their point of view. However, I suspect that most of them have no idea they come across as intimidating due to their direct and debating speaking style. In contrast, my conversation style is a laid-back sharing information, sharing of self type of style. When I converse with other people I am primarily wanting to share myself with them and have them, in turn, share themselves with me. It is a non-confrontational getting-to-know-you approach to conversation. I'm not really wanting to debate ideas back and forth most of the time, not that I can't do that or don't ever want to, it's just not my primary style of communicating. When I discover that I am talking with someone who has the debating style of conversing, I often find myself shutting down and not conversing. I dislike this about me and would really like to learn how to engage those with the debating style more. I probably would enjoy the intellectual stimulation and they probably do care to hear my point-of-view, it's just not explicitly stated. On the rare occasion when I try this style, I probably should be aware of the primary style of the person I am trying it with. For instance, I suspect that my younger sister has more of my laid-back sharing style of conversation and my older sister has more of the debating style of conversation. When speaking in the debating style of conversation with Heather, I should probably state explicitly that I want to hear what she thinks and I would love to have her perspective on what we are talking about. For someone with a sharing conversation style having a conversation in the debating style, we need to know that the other person wants to hear our perspective and is open to learning something from us (and is not by default trying to shut us up and make us agree with them or insult us for not doing so). On the other hand, when speaking with Joy in the debating style of conversation I need to keep my mind engaged and remember that she is probably interested in my perspective and I should share my thoughts and be willing to learn something from hers. But, when I want to speak with Joy in my style, in a sharing conversation style I should tell her that I just want to share ideas/information without batting them about. I am using my sisters as examples just because they are two of the people I have had the most conversations with and I know them well.

Another element to communication complication and confusion is the element of persuasion. If we are honest with ourselves and each other we will admit that there is an element of persuasion in all conversation. We want people to agree with us at least on some level, even if we know that many times they won't agree with us. Think about it, if you tell someone "I love classical music!" you are hoping at least on some level that they will agree with you. This does not mean that you are so ignorant as to think that everyone loves classical music, but you want to share your love of classical music with someone else. The same goes for movies, TV shows, colors, decoration styles, fashion, etc. On some level you want other people to share your enjoyment of these things and agree with what you think makes a good movie, TV show, color, decorative style and your preference in fashion. You also know that people have different preferences/tastes in these things. Is it possible to affirm someone else's preferences/tastes without losing your own? Can we be confident enough in our own perspective/opinions to hear differing ones? Don't let my opinion differing from yours make you not share your opinion with me! Have enough confidence in what you think to express it to others. Perhaps we should all make an effort to, when it seems someone has been shut down by our sharing our opinion of something, say "What do you think? I'd love to hear your opinion!" Perhaps this will bolster their confidence and affirm their value enough to get a good conversation going! We should look out for those who tend to get left out of conversations because they lack the confidence or ability to articulate their opinion in the face of opposing viewpoints. It is also valuable to admit that there is an element of persuasion in all communication.