Infertility Etiquette

I got this article from someone in my PCOS e-mail group. I believe it applies for infertility and fertility-challenges.

Infertility Etiquette
By Vita

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More
than five million people of childbearing age in the United States
experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed
about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during
this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to
the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a
recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is
no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the
stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and
move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve
the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of
that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each
month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after
all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news,
they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news
comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This
process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a
deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases
while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve
using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like
calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is
insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and
you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of
this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are
expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in
addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple
pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the
treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three
ways:

They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without
children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child
or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need
your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what
to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the
journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is
half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally
became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive
after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a
couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried
unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most
infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until
they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the
people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain
are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even
more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman
feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good
chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming
pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my
husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone
treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet,
people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a
cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be
treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER
successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical
infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples
are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their
friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those
children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty
house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into
someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to
experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . .
etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile
people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell
somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to
buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation
doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a
parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not
provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things
that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is
the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a
divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways.
To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst"
thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To
someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home
wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman
might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has
been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst"
thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It
could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment
would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein,
don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than
infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't
intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that
I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely
sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women,
don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions?
Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing
their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant
to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition,
not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests
multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri
dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People
frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone
they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this
option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds

One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news,
many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of
success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for
one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs
a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the
"sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.

IVF is Physically Taxing

Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots
into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs
used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become
extremely emotional.

IVF Raises Ethical Issues

Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to
selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized.
Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have
worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to
selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF

On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your
friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way
they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to
make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters.
IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral
leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have
arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues
already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again.
Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your
support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and
they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and
the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this
route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to
endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a
child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your
support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor

Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will
run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to
conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to
conceive. Here are a few of them:

Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
Endometriosis
Male Factor
Thin uterine walls
Multiple Miscarriage
Implantation Issues
Ovulatory Disorders
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
Luteal Phase Defect
Premature Ovarian Faliure
Uterine Factors
There is nothing wrong about learning more about the subject of
infertility. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and
treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the
causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility,
and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The
problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They
already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and
treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to
treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out
other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the
causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve
the problem.

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of
you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's
vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or
"Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not
funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for
your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of
what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans
to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with
pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to
make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand
from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going
crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness,
stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the
discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile
friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts
you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing
inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning
sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months
if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain
about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could
be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new
babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive
to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she
needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't
bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting
you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her
pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure
such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes
about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a
person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I
don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache
for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved
in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved
in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether
you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length
of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your
appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying
to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those
responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as
their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples
have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like.
Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep
through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always
eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some
of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can
give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why
many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men
especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility
testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not
usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually
well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about
infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it
hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller
knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is
expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as
your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't
share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As
an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple
needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an
adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a
"stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with
Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the
importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our
initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why
do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you
grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker
emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start
the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive,
and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that
they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love
an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to
reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her
"own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is
certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The
only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said,
"Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.")
However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the
idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your
friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue
herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am
giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase
their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to
erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here
are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you
care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are
religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same
support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing
they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets
them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day and Father's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, (Father's Day) people tend to
forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an
incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from
it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons
devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating
with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that
I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my
baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a
card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate
knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they
will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even
more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still
first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and
daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their
decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them
from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached
resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become
foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind
them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Top Ten Predictions for 2008

[I got this from my friend Debbie Cramer, another Cedarville alumni.]

1. The Bible will still have all the answers.
2. Prayer will still work.
3. The Holy Spirit will still move.
4. God will still inhabit the praises of His people.
5. There will still be God-anointed preaching.
6. There will still be singing of praise to God.
7. God will still pour out blessings upon His people.
8. There will still be room at the Cross.
9. Jesus will still love you.
10. Jesus will still save the lost.

God whispers in your soul and speaks to your mind. Sometimes when you
don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at you.

It's your choice: Listen to the whisper, or wait for the brick.


Pretty accurate, wouldn't you say? It is important to look at life through the reality of the Cross.

Adventures in housing...another way of escape!

Over the past several months my husband and I have been exploring the possibility of buying our first house. We have had an unpleasant experience with our current rental situation and really want to escape. Over the past 10 months or so we have had: heater broke the day we moved in and was not repaired for 10 days (in the month of February), electrical outlets and fixtures working inconsistently, plumbing working improperly in the shower, plumbing clogged twice in a few days getting sewage all over the downstairs floor and management refusing to consider it an emergency and guarantee a plumber the same day, air conditioning not working (in the hottest part of the summer) and management took over 5 weeks to fix it (again, didn't consider it an emergency), front door hanging so crooked that rain got in with it closed and we could stick our fingers between it and the frame with it closed, non-working locks on sliding glass doors, etc. The townhouse was clearly not move-in ready when we signed our lease. We had to call code enforcement to get the repairs moved on, the management consistently drags their feet in getting maintenance done. They wait until something is completely broken/non-functional before they fix it, too. Because the repairs were made, in response to code enforcement action, we had no recourse under the Landlord Tenant Act of Kentucky to break our lease. By the time the last straw was reached, we were in a situation where we would pay the same amount to break our lease as finish it out. In addition, the management tried to change the parking policy for our complex to only allow us to park one of our cars in the lot in front of our townhouse and force us to park the other one on the street. Nevermind that the street would only allow for 16 cars to legally park and there are 48 units in the complex, plus our lease included two reserved parking places. So, we circulated a petition amongst our neighbors that forced management to reinstate the second parking space or reduce our rent by $50/month. They gave us the 2nd space! Our lease is up on January 31, 2008 and we hope to have new housing by then. In addition to the maintenance issues in our current home, we have found the commute to work for Royce to be too long (it takes him 45 minutes to an hour and ten minutes each way).
I went to the Kentucky Housing Corporation (a resource for first time home buyers with low income/low cash flow) website and explored what type of assistance and what amount of financing we could get at this time. We would be able to borrow around 95K and get some assistance with down payment and closing costs. We also explored the house listings for the area near Royce's job. There are a few houses that sell under the 100K price, but they tend to be in less than wonderful neighborhoods, repossessed homes, have major repair/renovation needed and are in short supply. We only needed to find one that would meet our needs and be in a good location. However, with the cost of property taxes and home owner's insurance, we found the payments even on the modestly priced houses more than we currently feel comfortable paying.
But, all is not lost. We have another way of escaping our current housing disaster. There are a number of good rental duplexes not far from Royce's workplace in good neighborhoods and for modest rent. We have enough money saved to pay the deposits and rent a moving truck. So, we are exploring duplexes to rent and hope to report a new address very soon!

Christian speech, lessons from 2nd Corinthians

I had intended to share here what I learned about how Christians are to speak with fellow believers and with unbelievers with whom they disagree from 2nd Corinthians. However, Steve Camp on his Blog did it far better than I and is well worth reading. Praise God for his ministry and faithfullness to the Word of God. Enjoy! CAMPONTHIS: EMERGENTCY: The Dire Need for Biblical Ministry
...an urgent plea for emergent/emerging leaders

Chicken about using chicken broth?

For at least as long as my daughter Millie has been around, I have used chicken bouillion cubes in place of canned or boxed chicken broth. This has been primarily to save money and secondarily to save space. It was fine for quite a while, it was cheap and relatively easy to use. I even split apart the cubes into fourths to make the fourth of a cup of broth that I needed for a recipe. I hadn't actually compared the sodium content, but I figured it couldn't be too different from the ready to use broth that comes in cans or boxes. I just checked, and the difference is 60 mg per cup (the prepared stuff is higher). Shocking! I always thought that those little cubes were mostly salt. Over the last six months to a year I have grown increasingly annoyed with the time it takes to prepare broth with the cubes. Not to mention the annoyance I have with getting those suckers to completely dissolve in boiling water! To buy the cheapest container of prepared chicken broth at Meijer means paying 37 cents per cup of broth. Bouillion costs around 15 cents per cup of broth, but requires thinking ahead in preparing a recipe and the effort of getting those pesky little cubes to dissolve. Six and a half months ago my daughter Millie Anne began to walk independently, with that came a lot more time on my part making sure she stayed out of trouble. I'd love to say that I don't have time to use bouillion cubes and toddlers require my use of prepared chicken (or beef for that matter) broth. Is my convenience worth 22 cents more per cup? I've tried using the prepared broth for the last two weeks, and I really like it! But a little thought is popping about in the back of my head that I should use the cheaper cubes in order to be a responsible home manager. It costs less and the sodium is a little bit lower, both good for my family. But the prepared stuff saves me time and aggravation, which helps food get on the table just a little faster and gives me time to check on what Millie is up to while I'm making dinner. Another little voice says, "Buck, buck buckaaah..buck, buck, buckaah...you're afraid to use prepared chicken broth...buck, buck, buckaahhh!"
Now what would YOU do?

Conversation styles and the element of persuasion

Communication today is complicated by more than just the lack of clarity in statement types (see previous post). Another factor that causes tension and poor communication is difference in conversation style. Many people do not realize there are different styles of conversing and not everyone uses the same one. I didn't realize how strikingly different these could be until I was in graduate school. It happened at an Intervarsity Christian Fellowship meeting one Saturday night. I came across a very blunt, debating style in another IVFer that Saturday. It was off-putting and I found myself clamming up. Fortunately one of the other IVFers took me aside and explained that many people enjoy debating ideas back and forth as a normal way of communicating with others. Those with this style do not intentionally try to shut the other party(ies) in the conversation up but enjoy the intellectual stimulation of batting ideas around. Many with this style want to hear other's perspectives and engage in debating conversation to entertain and edify themselves. True, some of those with a debating style do try to steamroll others into silence and a seeming yielding to their point of view. However, I suspect that most of them have no idea they come across as intimidating due to their direct and debating speaking style. In contrast, my conversation style is a laid-back sharing information, sharing of self type of style. When I converse with other people I am primarily wanting to share myself with them and have them, in turn, share themselves with me. It is a non-confrontational getting-to-know-you approach to conversation. I'm not really wanting to debate ideas back and forth most of the time, not that I can't do that or don't ever want to, it's just not my primary style of communicating. When I discover that I am talking with someone who has the debating style of conversing, I often find myself shutting down and not conversing. I dislike this about me and would really like to learn how to engage those with the debating style more. I probably would enjoy the intellectual stimulation and they probably do care to hear my point-of-view, it's just not explicitly stated. On the rare occasion when I try this style, I probably should be aware of the primary style of the person I am trying it with. For instance, I suspect that my younger sister has more of my laid-back sharing style of conversation and my older sister has more of the debating style of conversation. When speaking in the debating style of conversation with Heather, I should probably state explicitly that I want to hear what she thinks and I would love to have her perspective on what we are talking about. For someone with a sharing conversation style having a conversation in the debating style, we need to know that the other person wants to hear our perspective and is open to learning something from us (and is not by default trying to shut us up and make us agree with them or insult us for not doing so). On the other hand, when speaking with Joy in the debating style of conversation I need to keep my mind engaged and remember that she is probably interested in my perspective and I should share my thoughts and be willing to learn something from hers. But, when I want to speak with Joy in my style, in a sharing conversation style I should tell her that I just want to share ideas/information without batting them about. I am using my sisters as examples just because they are two of the people I have had the most conversations with and I know them well.

Another element to communication complication and confusion is the element of persuasion. If we are honest with ourselves and each other we will admit that there is an element of persuasion in all conversation. We want people to agree with us at least on some level, even if we know that many times they won't agree with us. Think about it, if you tell someone "I love classical music!" you are hoping at least on some level that they will agree with you. This does not mean that you are so ignorant as to think that everyone loves classical music, but you want to share your love of classical music with someone else. The same goes for movies, TV shows, colors, decoration styles, fashion, etc. On some level you want other people to share your enjoyment of these things and agree with what you think makes a good movie, TV show, color, decorative style and your preference in fashion. You also know that people have different preferences/tastes in these things. Is it possible to affirm someone else's preferences/tastes without losing your own? Can we be confident enough in our own perspective/opinions to hear differing ones? Don't let my opinion differing from yours make you not share your opinion with me! Have enough confidence in what you think to express it to others. Perhaps we should all make an effort to, when it seems someone has been shut down by our sharing our opinion of something, say "What do you think? I'd love to hear your opinion!" Perhaps this will bolster their confidence and affirm their value enough to get a good conversation going! We should look out for those who tend to get left out of conversations because they lack the confidence or ability to articulate their opinion in the face of opposing viewpoints. It is also valuable to admit that there is an element of persuasion in all communication.

Communication confusion

I think there are three basic types of speech, which are:
1) Statements of belief (Absolute truth, true for everyone)

2) Statements of personal convictions (how I personally apply Scripture in my life, differs from person to person, although many agree on individual points of conviction but not necessarily all)

3) Statements of preference (what I like and dislike, in varying degrees)

Confusion in our communication occurs when it is unclear to our hearer(s) which type of speech we are using. It seems as though I am often guilty of being unclear in how I speak and sometimes I am guilty of judging other's freedom by my conscience when in fact what we are discussing is not something that rises to the level of absolute truth as clearly stated in the Bible or clearly evident by objective observation. Quite often when I, and many of my acquaintances, begin to speak; we do so without preamble or statement of intent. We aren't being clear as to whether we are building a case for an absolute truth, describing our personal convictions or merely stating our preferences. In a desire to be clear in my speech with others, I would like to suggest some prefatory remarks.
1) If I am making a statement of belief/truth, I could preface my remark with something like "I believe the Bible teaches that..."
2) If I am making a statement of personal conviction, I could preface my remark with something like "Personally, I ..."
3) If I am making a statement of preference, I could preface my remark with something like "I prefer ..."
Hopefully by preceeding my statements by an introduction phrase that indicates my intent much confusion and misunderstanding can be averted. My struggle to avoid judging another's freedom by my own conscience is a subject for another post. I have read some helpful teaching on this subject in 1 Corinthians 6-10, which I will write about later.